Blood Omen 1a
by Crystarr
Summary: In a time before Raziel...in a time before Block Puzzles...there was Kain! Pity him as he goes through the humiliation that is this sequel to the popular Soul Reaver 2a! Finally, Blood Omen 1a is completed!
1. Part 1 - Setting the parody

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There is a magical operation of maximum importance - the initiation of a new aeon. When it becomes nessecary to utter a word, the whole planet must be bathed in blood...  
  
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Screams are heard and flames are felt as Vampire after Vampire is put to death. The Sarafan laugh at the slaughter of their enemies, revelling in their genocidal war. The scene ripples, and we are looking at it through the scrying pool of the Circle of Nine, who watch in satisfaction as the undead are sent to the great beyond. As the carnage continues, one of the Circle turns to another, a look of concern on his face.  
  
Guardian 1: My friend, did you hear that?  
  
Guardian 2: Hear what?  
  
Guardian 1: I thought I heard a weird voice, going on about aeons, words, blood, and stuff.  
  
Guardian 2: I see...  
  
Guardian 1: It is an ill omen, I tell you!  
  
Guardian 2: Yes. Tell me, is it as ill an omen as the last voice? The one that told you to run naked except for a full coating of blue body-paint through the Sorceress' private bedrooms?  
  
Guardian 1: It wasn't what it looked like! It was vital to the continued safety of the Circle.  
  
Guardian 2: I'm sure. Just like the voice that told you that it was vital to enter into combat with those five Vampires armed only with a small blade of glass and aportrait of a small pink cat.  
  
Guardian 1: What's your point?  
  
Guardian 2: Have you ever noticed that you only hear these prophetic voices when you've gone out on a drunken bender the night before?  
  
Guardian 1: Are you saying..?  
  
The Guardian gets no further, as Vorador bursts into the room and impales him from behind.  
  
Guardian 3: MALEK!!!!!  
  
Vorador: Er...no, my name's Vorador. You can sort of tell the difference if you look closely. Less armour and more Vampirism here.  
  
Guardian 3: MALEK!!!!!  
  
Vorador: I said VORADOR!!!  
  
Vorador throws a Flay weapon and kills the Guardian. He stalks another Guardian into the next chamber. The Guardian tries to zap him with a lightning bolt, but sadly he'd used up his battery's power on creating light shows to impress the girls at Big Easy Alice's Brothel, and consequently comes up short.  
  
Guardian 2: MALEK!!!!!!  
  
Vorador: Ha! Call your dogs! They can feast on these sausages I brought them! I believe in being nice to animals.  
  
Vorador kills the Guardian and drinks his blood. He winks at the reader.  
  
Vorador: Just a bit of continuity between this story and Soul reaver 2a! Heh cheh...  
  
Vorador dissapates into mist. A moment later, Malek runs into the room.  
  
Malek: Stupid Moebius, still don't see why he needed me to guard the stupid Reaver if he just gives it to that weird...whoa!!! There must have been one hell of a party in here! Everyone's drunken themselves into a stupor! Hey wait a sec, don't people normally have skin? Or chests? Or heads? Don't..?  
  
Vorador appears behind Malek and slams him over the head with a mallet. Malek tries to get up, but he is chained by all four limbs in Mortanius' dungeon.  
  
Malek: What the..? What am I doing here? Wasn't I just in the Sarafan Stronghold?  
  
Mortanius: For failing the Circle, Malek, you are hereby damned!  
  
Malek: But it wasn't me! It was the one-armed Time-Streamer!  
  
Mortanius: Sure it was! I suppose next you'll say that this "one-armed Time- Streamer" is actually our two-armed friend Moebius, and he's actually the servant of a huge squid-like monster!  
  
Mortanius rips Malek's soul from his body and deposits it in a special set of armour.  
  
Malek: YEOW!!! That'll need a band-aid!  
  
Mortanius: The pleasures of the flesh are no longer yours.  
  
Malek: They never were before. There was a reason I always wore a helmet, Morty!  
  
Mortanius: You have but one purpose, Damned One. You will serve us for eternity!  
  
Malek: Man, those hours suck. But on the plus side, there's a hell of a pension plan - immortality!  
  
***Many Years Later***  
  
Somewhere in Nosgoth, make up a place, it doesn't really matter, Ariel is performing some magical experiment or other when she hears a sound behind her. She spins around and screams...  
  
Ariel: JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!!!!  
  
Ariel zaps the annoying bell-ringers away with a magical blast. She sighs in relief, then hears a noise behind her. She turns, screams, and gets a knife through the chest.  
  
Ariel: NOOOOOOOO!!! My dress is ruined! I had to look forever to find one that matched my rotting half of my face...  
  
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Welcome to Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!  
  
After the runaway success of Soul Reaver 2a (and the eventual dragging back of the runaway story, who'd gotten all the way to Rotherham before the police caught up with it), I bring you the second of the Legacy of Kain A series, which is based on the first game in the series. Which is kind of odd in itself, but even more so when you realise that the first in the LOK A series was based on the third game in the series. Er....mummy, I'm confused! Why can't the nasty man write the stories in proper order? And why is he speaking in the external personality in the voice of a toddler? Heeeeeeeelllppp....!!!!!!!!  
  
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It is night in Ziegsturhl. A young human named Kain is arguing with the bartender.  
  
Kain: And I still say that that the coolest Pillar name is Conflict!  
  
Bartender: No! It's States!  
  
Kain: Conflict!  
  
Bartender: States!  
  
Kain: Conflict!  
  
Bartender: States!  
  
Kain: Conflict!  
  
Bartender: Right you, I'm kicking you out!  
  
Kain: What, no mug of ale for a weary traveler from distant Coorhagen? I can reward you well, for I am of noble blood.  
  
Bartender: Should have thought of that before you went on about Conflict!  
  
Kain: If I go out there, get killed by a gang of thugs, then get resurrected as a Vampire, you're going to be top of my "brutally muder and drain of blood" list!  
  
Bartender: Yeah, right.  
  
Kain: (VO) And so I left - cold of heart and soul. Forced to the road, and the long, bitter night. Not only was I still sober, but it was two pages into MY story before I even got a mention! I sobbed quietly to myself, both out of lack of recognition and knowing that I was going to have to go through chapters of humiliating parody. But there was an upside - unlike Raziel, I wouldn't be plagued by Block Puzzles! Yay!  
  
A gang of thugs attacks Kain and impales him with a large sword.  
  
Kain: (VO) My optimism was quickly being eroded away.  
  
Kain wakes up in Hell, chained to two wooden poles near flaming pools of, er, flame, with the sword still sticking through his back and out of his chest. He struggles to escape, but fails.  
  
Kain: (VO) Vae Victus. "Suffering to the conquered". Well, it would be if it was pronounced right, but we won't go into that. Anyway, it was an ironic battle cry now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as waiting by a busy road for hours, desperate to cross and finally get home after a hard day's work, but rather the cruel jab of impotent...hehehe, I said "impotent"! Er, I mean, the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell, though there was a nasty moment when I thought I was in New Jersey. But all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Sometimes you get what you wish for. Other times, you get socks and jumpers two sizes too small for you, and still have to grin and pretend it's the best present ever. But in this case, I got my wish. The Necromancer Mortanius offered me a chance for vengeance. And like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. He insisted on taking my Red Eyes Black Dragon card, for a start, which was my favourite Yu-Gi-Oh card (thankfully, my Magician of Black Chaos was in my other armour). Plus he also turned me into a Vampire, which was a little unexpected...  
  
Mortanius: You shall have the blood you hunger for!  
  
Kain: (VO) Mortanius' words stayed with me as I walked through the flames towards Nosgoth, a walk that lasted almost two weeks. Ever wonder why when you first save the game several weeks have already passed? Do you understand just how long it takes to travel from Hell to a normal plane of existence when you're walking? It's not like popping down the street to the local bakery! It takes forever, and the fact that the floor is made of fire doesn't help! Having a pebble caught in your shoe is one thing, but having a small brimstone flame in there is another! What really sucks is that it turns out there was a teleporter pad I could have used, but I was so anxious to get those thugs and that bartender that I missed it! Still, on the plus side, the service stations that exist between dimensiuons do an excellent tomato soup... 


	2. Part 2 - Kain awakens, and eventually ge...

On the night of a Full Moon, Kain awoke in his grave, no longer humajn, but a Vampire!  
  
...  
  
Two weeks later, Kain got out of his grave. He always was one for a lie-in.  
  
Kain: (VO) I awoke to a new existence, in a dank womb of darkness and decay. I struggled in vain to think of something funny to say here, but sometimes even the writer of the LOK A series runs into writer's block...  
  
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Welcome to Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead - Part 2!  
  
In today's episode (which was delayed as a tribute to the games of LOK having a habit of coming out later than expected...well, that and hayfever), Kain awakes to the unlife of a Vampire and promptly goes off on a killing spree. This is a typical reaction of a Vampire upon awakening, as they have no money to go on a spending spree and buy some fresh clothes, so they go on the only type of spree available. Or something. Anyway, on with the story!  
  
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Kain checks himself and finds various equipment. Hellfire-forged Iron Armour, a powerful iron sword forged by the Serioli (I wonder what happened to them? It's the only time we ever come across the name of those people. The only trace of them left are Kain's sword and their website, www.seriolishop.com, makers of fine weapons and armour. Temporary offer - buy a two-handed weapon and get a free dagger!), and the ability to teleport back to his grave, strangely enough. The ability to teleport into a mansion, a cake shop, a classy brothel, a nice tavern, etc would surely be more satisfying? Hmmm...  
  
Anyway, Kain finds a bunch of various items, like vials to increase his blood-carrying capacity, pyramids to increase his magic-carrying capacity, and giant red thingies that let him save the game...er, I mean find respite, or something. He kills a couple of innocent graveyard staff, whose only crime was to try and decapitate him with a shovel. The guys who run my local cemetary are a bunch of old men who barely ever step out of their houses, but I guess Nosgoth's employees are somewhat more militant. Eventually, Kain steps outside.  
  
Kain: (VO) The world had changed to my eyes. I had not expected such cruelty from the light. I now understood why Vampires in movies always wore sunglasses all the time. I had foolishly believed it was a feeble attempt to look cool. But I had spurned a chance for shades because the frames had not matched my skin colour. Last time I listen to fashion gurus!  
  
Kain works his way to the exit of the graveyard, which for some bizzare reason is built like a labyrinth. Do the dead really try to escape that often? And doesn't it make it awkward for people come to visit their dead loved ones? Finally Kain makes it out, and runs right into the pack of thugs that killed him. Why they were all hanging out around Kain's graveyard is a bit strange, but we won't dwell on it as they would be the only ones who could tell us, and they'll be dead in a sec.  
  
Thug 1: What trickery is this?  
  
Thug 2: I thought we killed him?  
  
Thug 3: Didn't he have black hair and less green skin before?  
  
Thug 4: Get him!  
  
Kain: Ha! You may have killed me last time, but this time I have this!!!  
  
Kain pulls out the Soul Reaver and kills three of the thugs. He goes to kill the fourth, only to have the Reaver disappear from his hands.  
  
Kain: Hey! I was using that!!!  
  
You don't HAVE the reaver yet! You get that later on!  
  
Kain: But I want it now!!!  
  
Don't be such a crybaby!  
  
Kain: You never let me have any fun!  
  
Don't talk back, young Vampire, or I'll send you to your crypt!  
  
Kain, sulking, pulls out his iron sword and butchers the last few thugs.  
  
Kain: (VO) Their sneering faces were forever etched upon my memory. I had crossed death for this moment. My mind was empty save for one thought - I would kill. There is no greater release than that from vengeance sated. With my assassins dead, my quest was over...oh, wait a sec.  
  
Kain enters the tavern he was in at the start of the game. We hear voices.  
  
Bartender: Wh-what are you doing?!  
  
Kain: I told you you'd be top of my butchering list!  
  
Bartender: NNNNOOOOOYYYAAARRRGGHGHHH!!!!!!  
  
Kain: And Conflict is the best, so NEEER!!  
  
Kain exits the tavern, soaked to the skin in blood, and wearing a t-shirt singing a strange song...  
  
Kain: (singing) I stabbed the Barkeep, but I did not stab the Tavern's Wench...*ahem* NOW my quest is finished!  
  
Mortanius: No it isn't.  
  
Kain: YIKES!!! Where are you?  
  
Mortanius: I'm not actually here. This is just my voice.  
  
Kain: Yeah? And just how am I conviniently hearing your disembodied voice now?  
  
Mortanius: Well, you see, I'm...er...uh...um...I'm using...the Whisper?  
  
Kain: You can't use that! That's a natural ability of Vampires! And it doesn't come about until Blood Omen 2!!!!  
  
Mortanius: OK....I'm using a microphone and PA system.  
  
Kain: Ah, that makes sense. So, what can I do for you, bone-face?  
  
Mortanius: It is not over, Kain. These fools were merely the instruments of your murder.  
  
Kain: Really? None of them looks like a trumpet.  
  
Mortanius: Look to their masters. Look to the Pillars, and gain way to the Fortress of the Mind.  
  
Kain: Is that a fairground ride?  
  
Mortanius: Oh, for...  
  
A giant, disembodied hand picks up Kain and throws him far over the forests. He lands at the base of the Pillars, rather hard on the steps.  
  
Kain: Ugh...The Pillars of Nosgoth. Even in life, few monuments have hurt me such as this. I marveled that such beauty should injure my long-dead skin.  
  
At that moment, the ghostly figure of a woman with half her face a rotting skull flits about the Pillars.  
  
Ghost: Nupraptor, your madness has shattered our dreams and blinded you...  
  
Kain: Keep your distance, or I'll send you back to Hell, Spirit!  
  
Ghost: Huh? Sorry, Nup, I've got company. I'll call you back.  
  
The Ghost puts her mobile phone away and turns to face Kain.  
  
Kain: Wait a second...I know that joke! That's exactly the same thing that you did to Raziel in Soul Reaver 2a! Are we going to have Ariel talking on her mobile every time we see her?  
  
Ariel: But Nos-net gives me twenty free minutes of talk time!  
  
Kain: Free talk time? YOU CAN TELEPATHICALLY SPEAK OVER LONG DISTANCES! ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN LEGACY OF KAIN CAN DO IT! WHY DO YOU NEED TO SAVE MONEY ON A MOBILE PHONE?!?!  
  
Ariel: You can't text with telepathic messages.  
  
Kain: Can't text...? You have to be the only person in Nosgoth with a mobile phone! Who would you talk to?!  
  
Ariel: Nupraptor has one.  
  
Kain: Is that true?  
  
Ariel: As far as you know.  
  
Kain: For all I know, you could be...I can't believe I'm here, an Undead Vampire at the mysterious Pillars of Nosgoth, arguing with a ghost about mobile phones with free talk time!  
  
Ariel: Fine, I'll give you the answers you seek.  
  
Kain: I seek only a cure.  
  
Ariel: There is no cure for death.  
  
Kain: No, a cure for these innane conversations I keep getting drawn into.  
  
Ariel: Than you must destroy the sorcery that is now poisoning Nosgoth. Only then will you realize peace. The Nine of the Protectors of Hope were sworn to use their powers to preserve our world, exterminate Vampires (no offence) and throw the best parties in Nosgoth. Now these pillars have been corrupted by a traitor, and the parties have been reduced to paper-hat and balloon affairs. My murder at the hands of the traitor drove my love Nupraptor mad...well, madder. He always was a bit too attracted to the wrong half of my face... Now he spreads misery and pain among the Circle, crumbling the very foundation of Nosgoth, and spoilng the taste of almost every make of ice cream that exists. You must restore balance. You must right the Pillars of Nosgoth. And if possible, try and find my battery charger. This phone keeps cutting out.  
  
Kain: I care not for the fate of this world, or your phone.  
  
Ariel: Then for yourself Kain. Beware the Unspoken...  
  
Ariel fades away. Kain waits for a few seconds.  
  
Kain: Hello? Hey! HEY!! WHAT THE HELL IS THE UNSPOKEN?! Stupid ghost. Well, sod her. I'm not moving from this spot until someone tells me what the Unspoken is!  
  
Time passes...  
  
Kain: Don't care. Not moving!  
  
More ti...  
  
Kain: I said I don't care!  
  
Don't interrupt me!  
  
Kain: Leave me alone!  
  
Right! I warned you! Get back to your crypt, and no supper for you tonight!  
  
Kain: Aww, that is so unfair! I HATE YOU!!!  
  
Kevin, er, I mean Kain storms back into his grave, slamming the lid. *sigh* I bet he hasn't hoovered his grave either... 


	3. Part 3 - Kain battles Nupraptor, after e...

Two figures are sitting on a boulder. One is dressed in red and black iron armour, has flowing white hair and a dark, evil voice. The other has wild hair, a striped suit, and an insane voice. Both have something in common - they are both dead.  
  
Kain: So Nupraptor, with his blind act of vengeance, threatens to destroy all of Nosgoth.  
  
Beetlejuice: That sucks. Hang on a sec...  
  
Beetlejuice scoops up some worms and shoves them in his pocket.  
  
Beetlejuice: Save those for later! Anyway, so you've got to off this guy to save Nosgoth, eh? Well, you called the right ghost for the job! I'll bio- exorcise him into nothing!  
  
Kain: Er...we need his head.  
  
Beetlejuice: Why? It won't be much use once we're through with him!  
  
Kain: Something about returning the Pillar of the Mind to its healthy state.  
  
Beetlejuice: Right. Why not just use cement?  
  
Kain: The DIY shop's closed for the bank holiday.  
  
Beetlejuice: It's the bank holiday? Why the hell am I working then? Hey buddy, can you send me back to the Neitherworld? I'm going back to bed.  
  
Kain: Sure. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.  
  
Beetlejuice vanishes. Kain gets up.  
  
Kain: (VO) I envied my newly-found friend. If only I could get the bank holiday off. But the Sarafan had wiped out the VUWU (Vampire and Undead Work Union) leaders in their crusade hundreds of years before. Perhaps once I'd restored the Pillars I should resurrect the Union. Or better yet resurrect the Union's members and let them do the work for me...  
  
**************************************************************************** ** Welcome to chapter 3 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!  
  
In this episode, Kain hunts Nupraptor, goes through some backwater towns, other strange and useless trials, and generally doesn't have much fun. On the plus side, though, he gets to slaughter innocent people and drink their blood, and that's pretty much the definition of fun, isn't it? Well, it is if you're a Nosgothian Vampire, so there!!! **************************************************************************** **  
  
We'll skip the parts where Kain enters dungeons to gain more powers and stuff, because frankly, while the new abilities might be important, nothing much happens except for fighting and flicking switches, and it's hard to pardoy stuff like that. I mean, imagine this:  
  
Kain enters an old building. He saves the game. He fights some guys. He fights some zombies. He flicks a switch that opens a door. He fights more guys. He finds a power-up that gives him a new ability. He solves a puzzle with his new ability. He fights a few more guys. He saves the game again. He leaves the building.  
  
OK, now let's try and make that funny:  
  
Kain enters an old building that really has no obvious relevance to his quest. I mean, if it were starting to rain, fine, he'd have to get out of the way of the water. But it isn't raining! Kain's supposed to be dead-set on fulfilling his quest, so why'd he just think "Hmm, I'll explore this old building. Who knows, I might find a new power that'll help me in my quest." Of course, the amount of times that he actually does find a new power in old buildings, it seems that every structure in Nosgoth has a Spirit Wrack spell, a Mist Form or an Implode weapon hidden in it. Makes you wonder how any quests in Nosgoth ever get fulfilled, seeing as the adventurer must spend his entire life going into random buildings to find power ups. So, anyway, Kain goes in and slaughters the guardians of whatever power the building hides. Is it just me, or would the guardians stand a better chance if one of them picked up the power-up before Kain got to it? Kain'd have a much harder time if the knife-thrower picked up the Repel spell first. Hmm...  
  
Anyway, we'll just assume that Kain gets various abilities that may or may not make it into this story, depending on if they fit the mood. OK, some of them may fit a comedy, like using Control Mind to get King Ottmar to forget about his daughter's coma and do a striptease in front of his shocked soldiers. But how much fun can you really have with a Light spell? Kain sneaks into a brothel and activates Light right in the middle of a client's encounter, only to have the client discover that (insert your own unexpected and deviant situation here, depending on just how truly sick your mind is. Perverts!!! What's wrong with you?! Here I am, trying to right a serious parody, and look at the things you're imagining here! And on a related note, there'll probably be no more chapters of Blood Omen 1a because I've just insulted anyone who reads this one. It's not good practice to insult all of your readers. Especially when you're the one being sick minded, and your readers are sweet, lovely, innocent...er...come to think of it, would sweet, innocent people be fans of the Legacy of Kain series? It's not exactly Disney, is it? Kain would tear Mickey Mouse into little bloody pieces just to stop that annoying voice. And then he'd permanently cure Donald Duck's larynx problems with a Flay taken internally...)  
  
Kain: I've been waiting for three hours down here! Are you going to quit your little digression and continue the story? At this rate, the Sarafan Lord's going to be marching around by the time I get to Vasserbunde!  
  
Er, fine. So, Kain marches off, taking a detour through Nachtholm, where nothing interesting happens, and then Steinchencroe.  
  
Kain: (VO) The village of Steinchencroe bore with it the infamous aroma of its inhabitants, who legend has it were cursed by Moebius to have their blood replaced by sewer water. When asked about his reason for cursing the city, Moebius gave a suprisingly good reason - he'd been drinking for seven hours, and during the following stagger around Nosgoth he'd come across a good reason to curse Steinchencroe. He just couldn't remember what it was. Further questions resulted in the horrible deaths of the Nosgoth Journal's reporters. The moral of this story is to never bother a Time-Streamer with a hangover. Although sometimes it's unavoidable.  
  
Kain wanders through the town and encounters a rambling madman, whose name may be Irmok the Mad. Or not. But we'll call him that anyway.  
  
Irmok: The bastards in Steinchencroe shun me as Nosgoth shuns them! I know what it means to be an outsider, vampire. I fear you not, but remember this - there are others who will speak to you, so long as you know how to look!  
  
Kain: So, they call you Irmok the Mad because you ramble insanely, yet occasionally your madness reveals a greater truth?  
  
Irmok: No. t's my real name. Irmok the Mad. It says so on my birth certificate.  
  
Kain: That's your real name?! But...how? Why?  
  
Irmok: Well, the truth is I'm not from Nosgoth. I'm an alien from a distant planet. It was called the Planet Where People Have Long Descriptions of Themselves Instead of Surnames. I was called Irmok the Normal Guy With a Slight Case of BO. I was ashamed of my odour problem, so I went to see Bert the Mad Scientist That'll One Day Be the Death of This Planet. He created a possible cure for me, but it failed and destroyed the planet. I was the only survivor. In shame, I had my name legally changed to Irmok the Mad, a short description, which was the ultimate punishment on my home planet. What's more, my BO was still not cured, which is why I live in Steinchencroe.  
  
Kain: Is this true?  
  
Irmok: No, not really. I really am mad.  
  
Kain: I'm actually relieved.  
  
Kain wanders off and eventually arrives in Vasserbunde. He stops to chat with and eat peasants, then strolls off to Nupraptor's retreat.  
  
Kain: (VO) The wind carried screams from the west. But I passed this brothel and carried on to Nupraptor's Retreat. Screams were also coming from here. I smiled - someone in this world was suffering more than I. Probably Raziel encountering another Block Puzzle.  
  
Kain waltzes passes the guards, who are to stunned to see a dancing Vampire to offer any resistance. He enters the Retreat.  
  
Kain: Nupraptor was renowned through Nosgoth for his mind tricks, telepathy, telekinesis, and collection of antique bottles. I sought not his wisdom, but his life. And possibly the PIN for his bank account.  
  
Nupraptor: You dare intrude upon my sanctuary?  
  
Kain: The PA system again...no, Nupraptor. I'm intruding upon your Retreat. Totally different.  
  
Nupraptor: Can I not mourn in peace?  
  
Kain: Nope. But look on the bright side - they have great BBQs in Hell!  
  
So, Kain wanders through the Retreat. He encounters a serving girl, listens to her, then kills her.  
  
Kain: (VO) Wounds such as hers would never heal. Death would only be a mercy.  
  
Girl: But it's only a paper cut!  
  
Kain: No, it's a grevious wound that's left your mind traumatised. Death is the merciful option.  
  
Girl: I was reading the newspaper!  
  
Kain: Yes...a very violent article that destroyed your sanity.  
  
Girl: It was the cartoon page!  
  
Kain: Er...death would only be a mercy!  
  
Kain kills the girl and drinks her blood before she can argue.  
  
So, Kain walks through the fortress which, like all buildings in Nosgoth, is a few hundred times larger on the inside than it looks on the outside. Dr Who and the other Time Lords actually got the blueprints for their TARDISes from a Nosgoth architect. That's a little known fact.  
  
Eventually, Kain finds Nupraptor, who is playing cards with Malek.  
  
Nupraptor: Ha! Blue Eyes White Dragon! I win!  
  
Malek: Git! I'm not going to defend you against Kain now.  
  
Malek disappears. Nupraptor turns to Kain.  
  
Nupraptor: Ah, Kain. Care to play a Shadow Game? I'll wager my Millenium Head on it!  
  
Kain: We did a Yu-Gi-Oh joke in Chapter 1.  
  
Nupraptor: Yeah, but the writer really likes Yu-Gi-Oh.  
  
Kain: Isn't this parody going to have anything original in it? And what about the readers who haven't seen or played Yu-Gi-Oh? They're not going to understand this scene!  
  
Nupraptor: I play...La Jinn the Mystic Genie! And one card face down!  
  
La Jinn manifests in attack mode. Kain groans.  
  
Kain: Fine...Succubus Knight in attack mode.  
  
Nupraptor: Ha! Your Succubus Knight walks right into my Spellbinding Circle trap!  
  
The Succubus Knight is weakened by the Spellbinding Circle, then destroyed by La Jinn.  
  
Kain: Right, right. Er...aww crap, just one card. Right, Petite Angel in defence.  
  
Nupraptor bursts out laughing.  
  
Nupraptor: Petite Angel? You have THAT in your deck? "Oh, look at me, I'm big bad Kain, I have a cute orange blob with wings, I want my mummy!"  
  
Kain: And I power up the Petite Angel with Sword Thrust of the Heart!  
  
Nupraptor: What? I've never heard of that card!  
  
Kain: Here, let me show you how it works.  
  
Kain thrusts his sword in Nupraptor's chest. Nupraptor looks really suprised, and then dies. Kain lops off his head.  
  
Kain: (shouting) And let that be a lesson to the rest of you Guardians! No more cheap ripping off of other series! Now, let's see...awww, man, do I have to?  
  
Yes.  
  
Kain: Fine.  
  
Kain holds up Nupraptor's head.  
  
Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor, I knew him well. Well, not really. That sounds much better when no one's expecting it!  
  
Kain wanders off. And the chapter ends abruptly, because the writer wants to cook something to eat. Sometimes, honesty is the best policy. Except in anything to do with work or education. This has nothing to do with the story, but it's distracting you all while I run off to the kitchen! 


	4. Part 4 Bizzare happenings in Malek's Ba...

Once upon a time, in a far off mountain region of Nosgoth, there existed a tribe known as the Revioli. These were a peaceful tribe, although slightly neurotic because of the fact that their name sounded very similar to an Italian pasta dish. Anyway, through the centuries, the men toiled in the fields, the women toiled on the farms, the children hid in the woods to avoid the sheer amount of toil going on, and the others toiled in the library to work out who they were if not men, women or children. Eventually they discovered they were psychiatrists, which was just as well, because by this time they needed the therapy.  
  
So, for centuries the Revioli existed in peace, until one day, the tribe leader, a man named Te-shoic (translation: Man who has no purpose in the story other than to perform one action that will wreck his tribe) discovered a large metal box with a button on it, and a lebel saying "Please do not push this button". Te-shoic was a curious man, and egged on by his friends Gaz-kan (trans: Man who juggles chickens when bored), Tey'shain (trans: Woman who once rode a horse to the chemists and back), Sahshasha (trans: Child who fails to avoid toil, except on Thursdays) and U (trans: Psychiatrist with very short name), Te-shoic pressed the button. The box opened and shot a beam of light into the air, tyhen crumbled into dust. The tribe members shrugged and got on with their toil, until three days later when the entire region was crushed by a falling 70,000 ton beefburger.  
  
None of which has any relevance to the story of Kain.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Welcome to part 4 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!  
  
In this chapter, Kain returns to the Pillars after cutting off the head of Nupraptor, and is a bit pissed off when Ariel tells him that he has to kill the rest of the Circle too. It just never ends, does it? Next up for the chop is Malek, who has a castle of hi-tech weaponary, lasers, machine guns, neutron bombs and doomsday devices, most of which he can't use because he forgot to pay his electricity bill.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
It is night at the Pillars of Nosgoth. Suddenly, two bright lights illuminate the Pillars as a yellow taxi pulls up, and Kain gets out.  
  
Taxi Driver: That'll be seven fifty, then.  
  
Kain pays the driver, then brutally slaughters him for no real reason. He saunters up to the Pillars, where Ariel ignores him while chatting on her mobile.  
  
Kain: (VO) I placed Nupraptor's head before the Pillar of the Mind, and watched as a small panel slid back and a hand quickly darted out and grabbed it, pulling it into the Pillar. Somehow, the Pillar was restored by this. Maybe the hand belonged to a...a...Pillar repairing guy. If so, I wondered why he'd only repaired the Pillar after I'd given him some dead guy's head. Obviously wasn't a fan of the whole money deal.  
  
Ariel: Death in the Circle breathes life to the Pillars.  
  
Kain: You died, and it didn't do the Pillars much good.  
  
Ariel: My breath was a bit off that day. I hadn't taken my mouthwash.  
  
Kain: Er...OK. Well, my job's done. Can I go home now?  
  
Ariel: Nupraptor was only the source of the madness. You must destroy the Circle to restore Balance to Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: WHAT?! You stupid dead half-faced bitch! You never said I'd have to tromp all over Nosgoth finding all eight members of the dratted Circle!  
  
Ariel: It must have slipped my mind. No be a good boy and get going.  
  
Kain: No way. I'm not moving from this spot.  
  
Ariel: Fine. I'll get out my mobile phone and start up a phone-sex line. Imagine all those explicit lines, always coming from the rotten half of my face...  
  
Kain: So which member of the Circle's next?  
  
Ariel: Hehehe...let's go for Malek next.  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Ariel: Because he's the hardest. Guardian of Conflict and all.  
  
Kain: Wouldn't it be easier to go for a less tough one?  
  
Ariel pulls a lever. A giant hand comes out over nowhere and flicks Kain over the horizon.  
  
A minute later, Kain splats down outside of Coorhagen.  
  
Kain: (VO) Ugh...Coorhagen. Finest city in Nosgoth, and my home. Years ago, word reached us of a strange pestilence that laid seige to a few remote villages far east. But the fumours failed to prepare us for the horror that was Pop Idol.  
  
Kain screams as a bunch of those brain-dead bimbos and jackasses who are so deluded that they think they have anything even resembling talent lurch out towards him, acting like black holes of the emotion - they suck in all happiness and satisfaction from others, crushing them completely. Kain screams and runs away, occasionally visiting more buildings to pick up the Repel power, and other powers that aren't much use. Eventually he gives up running, transforms into a bat, bombs bat droppings on the Pop Idol people, and flies to Malek's bastion. Inside, Malek addresses him through the PA system.  
  
Malek: It's about time you got here. I want the cable TV installed in the living room, pronto.  
  
Kain: I'm not a cable guy. I'm a powerful fledgling Vampire here to kick your ass!  
  
Malek: Awww...can you pretend to be a cable guy?  
  
Kain: What? NO!!!  
  
Malek: Please? I'm missing this cool documentary on the Discovery Channel!  
  
Kain: I don't care if you're missing a vital TV Open University course on how to breathe in and out! I came here to kill you, and that's what I'm going to do!  
  
Malek: Sod you then!  
  
A wall slides away, and Kain is slammed by a gigantic boxing glove.  
  
Kain: What the hell is that?!  
  
Malek: I like to be creative with my booby traps.  
  
Kain: Why you...  
  
Kain charges through the bastion, dodging snakes, killing golems, barging past the mutant cauliflower, and bringing down the legendary Cardboard Box of Desolation. Finally, he reaches the door labelled "Malek's Inner Sanctum".  
  
Kain: Ha! Now I've got you, Malek!  
  
Kain tears the door off its hinges and runs through the doorway, smack into the brick wall that is there instead. A note is pinned onto the wall saying "Fooled you!!!". The impact squashes Kain's nose.  
  
Kain: Dat wadn't funny, oo vaffbarb!  
  
CyberSiC: Er, maybe this isn't a good time...  
  
Kain: What? Who the hell are you?!  
  
CyberSiC: But you know when you first woke up as a Vampire? You said "I awoke to a new existence", when you should have said "I awoke to the pain of a new existence".  
  
Kain: Look, I'm not in a good mood right now. No offence, but I'm just going to have to kill you and guzzle down some blood, OK?  
  
Before Kain can attack, he is surrounded by many of SiC's allies and friends, all powerful warriors and beings.  
  
Painite: Sorry, Kain, but you'll never beat all of us.  
  
Kain: Wait a sec. You're all characters in stories written by the writer and his friends!  
  
Emily: Hehehe...Yep!  
  
Kain: What's the point?! Only about 2 people who'll ever read this story will get it! The others won't have a clue what's going on!  
  
Glade: Sorry, but the writer's writing this late at night.  
  
Kain: Again?! I hate that! He never makes any sense when he does that!  
  
Kain turns around to storm off, but runs right into a giant cheesecake.  
  
Kain: See?!  
  
Kain pulls away from the cheesecake and runs off, screaming. Eventually, he bumps into Malek.  
  
Kain: That's it. Malek, I'm going to kill you and then get out of this madhouse!  
  
The two fight, but Kain can't be hurt because of his Repel spell, and Malek keeps on putting his body parts back together when hurt. Eventually, Malek throws a giant wave of energy that blasts everything it hits into dust. Kain yelps and dives out of the window.  
  
Malek: That was an anti-climax!  
  
Way below, at the bottom of the mountain, Kain dusts himself off.  
  
Kain: T'would seem that Malek's destiny with my blades was postponed. Perhaps Ariel could offer further guidance.  
  
Kain starts to return to the Pillars. For no real reason, he is being accompanied by a bunch of minstrels.  
  
Minstrel: Brave, brave Sir Kain: When Malek reared his ugly head, Kain bravely stood and turned and fled...  
  
Kain: I didn't!  
  
Minstrel: When death beckoned for him to lay, Kain bravely span and ran away...  
  
Kain: No!  
  
Minstrel: When he heard pain's footstep and agony's cough, Kain bravely turned and buggered off...  
  
Kain grabs the minstrels and makes liberal use of a bunch of Flay srtifacts. How brave, mutlilating a bunch of unarmed, defenceless...  
  
Kain: And you can shut up too! Don't think I didn't recognise yet another unoriginal rip-off, even if it was Monty Python! I'm watching you, writer!  
  
Ulp... 


	5. Part 5 The Oracle And no one else, hear...

The scene opens on a guard post somewhere in the wilderness of Nosgoth. A tough-looking guard is on duty, resting on his axe.  
  
Guard: It's a boring, lonely, dangerous life being a Nosgoth Guard. Not many people can do it. The constant Vampire attacks, the lack of any interesting activity (and that isn't a contradiction, so there!) makes most people insane, seeing things that aren't really there. But not me. I'm made of sterner stuff.  
  
At that moment, Kain walks by, thrusting hit feet out oddly and singing loudly.  
  
Kain: (singing) Na na na-na...HEY! Na-na na-na...HEY!!!  
  
Kain goes off, still singing. The guard blinks, then pulls himself together.  
  
Guard: Like just then. I didn't see a singing, dancing Vampire.  
  
Hash'Ak'Gik walks past, playing on a lyre.  
  
Hash: (singing) I'm looking over a four-leafed clover that I overlooked before...  
  
Guard: *ah-hem* Nothing odd going on here! I'm perfectly sane!  
  
Raziel: Hi. I'm from the Church of the Knights Who Kill Block Puzzles. Can I ask you for a donation?  
  
Guard: Shutupshutupshutup! You don't exist!!!  
  
There is a tidal wave, and Mortanius shoots by on his surfboard, dressed in a Hawaiian t-shirt and shorts.  
  
Mortanius: Cowabunga dudes!!!  
  
The guard slumps down and bursts into tears.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, in the nice, pleasant town of Dark Eden, Earthworm Jim is going to be ripped off yet again in this LOK-a series. In this case, Bane, Anacrofte and DeJoule walk by, all laughing evilly and bragging loudly about their evil plans. Two old men sitting outside a shack nearby watch them.  
  
Man 1: Well, lookee yonder! There be another group of them Mage-villains! Now why do ya suppose they always pick on ah hum'le town of Dark Eden?  
  
Man 2: Dunno. Per'aps we shouldn' gotten drunk that night we visited the Pillars of Nosgoth...  
  
There is a brief flashback of the two men, drunkenly stumbling around and decorating the Pillars of Nosgoth with a crate of woman's underwear...  
  
**************************************************************************** ***** Welcome to Chapter 5 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're Dead!  
  
In todays chapter, blood-drinking, killing and revenge all play an important part. Watermelons do not. **************************************************************************** *****  
  
It is night at the Pillars. Ariel has just finished texting her shopping buddies when Kain slinks back, looking like he's trying not to be seen. Ariel turns around.  
  
Ariel: Ah, the lord returns empty-handed. Does the Sarafan elude you?  
  
Kain: It's not my fault!! I'd have beaten him, except...  
  
Ariel: Except..?  
  
Kain: Well, when I whent into his bastion, I was attacked by this huge boxing glove. I destroyed it, but then...  
  
Later...  
  
Kain: ...and after all that, the door was a false one! So...  
  
Even later...  
  
Kain: ...into a cheesecake of all things! But even that didn't stop me...  
  
Much later...  
  
Kain: ...a tower bristling with laser cannons, and an orbiting satellite with an atomic blaster!! So I had to dodge like crazy...  
  
A long time later...  
  
Kain: ...but I said "No, Malek, I never give in!", and we started to fight...  
  
A veeeeeeerrry loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time later...  
  
Kain: ...but then seven hundred and eighty giant spiders stormed the room...  
  
So much later that it's embarrasing...  
  
Kain: ...but even though not even the moon falling on top of me could stop me, Malek cowardly ran away while I was finishing off his army of a hundred million fire-breathing dragons!  
  
Ariel: I see...  
  
Kain: But I'll get him next time.  
  
Ariel: Yes...but I have a suggestion.  
  
Kain: Yes?  
  
Ariel: Go east of Malek's bastion. The Oracle's pool sees all. And he tapes all on his VCR. Bring back the tape of your fight with Malek, and we'll go through it to try and find any weaknesses.  
  
Kain: Er...uh...ah...um...w-wouldn't it be faster...for me to ask the Oracle...how to defeat Malek? Yeah, faster!  
  
Ariel: Whatever, just go. I'm going to the cinema.  
  
Kain: But I thought you were bound here to the Pillars for all eternity?  
  
Ariel pulls a lever. Kain falls into a deep pit that opens up beneath him...  
  
...and lands just outside the mountains that lead to the Oracle's cave.  
  
Mortanius: Oh, little Vampire, the game grows interesting. But with so many pawns, can you find the true player?  
  
Kain: Yes - he/she's on the other side of the TV screen, pressing buttons on their joypad to control my actions!  
  
Mortanius: Oh. Yes. Of course.  
  
Kain: That shut him up!  
  
Kain marches through the caves, fights baddies, yadda yadda. Finally, he comes to a museum full of artifacts.  
  
Kain: The shield was newly crafted, its metal shone brightly in the firelight. Its crest I did not recognise.  
  
Kain: Another shield, rusted, Lion of Willendorf.  
  
Kain: A Super Nintendo! Haven't seen one of those in a while! Excuse me a couple of hours while I play through the Soul Blazer series. Oh, happy memories.  
  
Kain: Odd. This armour resembled that of the Ward and his minions, yet the steel seemed newly crafted, untarnished by time, and had the message "I woz ere B4U" scratched on it...  
  
Kain: Hidden amidst the many obscure artifacts in that museum...well, in plain view on a pedastal, actually...I discovered an ancient chronicle, with a passage that caught my eye. After slotting my eye back in, I went to read the words.  
  
Book: It was during these dark times infested with the plague of the undead, that the Circle brought the Sarafan to existence. Trained to be devoutly loyal to the Circle, and the perfect exterminators of the undead scourge, they were led to many victories by the righteous paladin, Malek. They cleansed the vampires with fire, and released their souls to more blessed realms. There is no wrath as terrible as that of the righteous.  
  
Kain: At once disgusted and intrigued, I placed that talking book back in the museum. I prefer books that I can read myself!  
  
Kain walks into a round antechamber, where Moebius...er, I mean the Oracle is waiting.  
  
The Oracle, and not Moebius: A nobleman? Seeking wisdom? Normally you inbred cretinous noble types wouldn't know wisdom if it bit you on the nose!  
  
Kain: Enough stereotyping. I want answers. And maybe some sandwiches.  
  
Oracle who isn't Moebius: Answers indeed. I have them all if you have the questions. King Ottmar, the only hope to defeat the legions of the Nemesis. King Ottmar. Paralyzed by that fall off the ladder. King Ottmar the useless, and not much good in a fight! Pray, good sir, what are the questions?  
  
Kain: A pox upon your tricks and babble, old man!  
  
Not Moebius, but the Oracle: Pox? Chickenpox? Smallpox? Or maybe...Cowpox?  
  
A sheep wanders through the room. The two characters ignore it. There's no real reason for it, to be honest.  
  
Kain: Look, either give me a sandwich or tell me about Malek!  
  
The Oracle who looks like but isn't a certain Timestreamer: All in good time, sirrah. Yes, time. Unless you master it, it will master you. And now it's time for your answers.  
  
Kain: About bloody time. Get it? Time! I am so witty!!!  
  
Oracle, and don't believe any rumours about it being Moebius: Malek, last of the Sarafan sorcerer-priests. His vanity led to the slaughter of the Circle at the hands of the Vampire Vorador...  
  
From a long way away, we hear a tortured voice screaming "Moebius, you lying bastard!!!".  
  
Kain: What of this Vorador?  
  
Of course, by this time you know perfectly well that this is the Oracle, and no one else, alright?: Follow the glow of the ignith...iggy...funny glowing thingies in Termagent Forest. Oh, and...time, Kain? Next time...  
  
The fire flares up, momentarily blinding Kain. When his sight returns, Mo...the Oracle is halfway out of the window. He looks embarrased, then presses a button on his staff. The fire flares up again, and this time leaves Kain alone in the room. Kain is about to leave when another man enters.  
  
Man: Damn. Looks like I missed him again!  
  
Kain: And you would be?  
  
Man: I'm Duncan. I cam to ask the Oracle who is an Oracle and nothing more about how to fix my toilet. All those enemies to fight, and I miss the guy! Oh well, at least nothing else can go wrong!  
  
At that moment, a portal opens up in the space-time continuum. A grapefruit that is disguised as a melon runs out, closely chased by an avocado with shades on. The room is suddenly filled with the corpses of a hundred 6-7 foot gerbils with swimming goggles, and the whole scene is watched by a 5 inch woman wielding a fondue fork of doom. Unsuprisingly, Duncan goes mad, and runs out of the room screaming.  
  
Duncan: MY FROGS ARE ON FIRE! I WANT TO BE A BAKED BEAN!!!  
  
Kain: OK, that's it. I'm going home.  
  
Kain stalks out. All Wibble the Avocado and related characters and situations are used with permission from Liam Partridge. So there! NEEEEEEERRR!!!!! 


	6. Part 6 Kain the Musical!

Voice: Welcome to the HNN - Hylden News Network. Tonight's newsreader is the Elder God.  
  
The scene opens on the Elder God, dressed in a tuxedo. He...yes, I know that it's hard to visualise a gigantic squid-octopus mutation wearing a tuxedo, but give it a try. I mean, this is a fan fiction story, not an actual newscast or even a real FMV. Jusrt suspend your disbelief, for crying out loud!  
  
Elder God: Tonight's top story - maniac corrupts the collective sanity of society with nonsensical stories based on cult video game series. The stories, cunningly disguised as harmless parodies, use cunning tactics of irrelevant scenes, shameless plagerisation, boring rants and deadly block puzzles to slowly but surely wear away at the mind of the reader. Authorities have released the following picture of the writer...  
  
A picture appears. Imagine an agonisingly handsome and sexy man. If you're a man, you want to be him, and if you're a girl, you just want him. He is the ultimate man, gorgeous, strong, and pure perfection. Got it? Well, the picture looks absolutely nothing like me, but this is MY story, and I'll look good if I want to here! You can suspend your disbelief long enough to see Squid-face in a tuxedo, you'll damn well suspend it enough to see me as not ugly, ALRIGHT?!?!?!  
  
Meanwhile, as all this ranting is going on, the EG is passed a piece of paper.  
  
Elder God: Excuse me, it seems that we have just gotten word of this madman's latest scheme to destroy the minds of...oh no. Oh dear god! Citizens, I urge you! Don't read the story! It's...too horrible! I...I have to go...  
  
The Elder God runs screaming from the newsroom. Gee, I didn't think that the idea was THAT bad...  
  
**************************************************************************** ***** Welcome to Chapter 6 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're Dead!  
  
In todays chapter, we see, for the first time...Blood Omen - The Musical!!! **************************************************************************** *****  
  
Kain is walking through the Termogent Forest, avoiding the wet patches of the swamp. For no real reason, he starts to sing.  
  
Kain: (sings) I....am...I am Kain! The Vampire! Seeking a cure from Hell's deep fire! Know me, know me, I am Kain! Defeating my enemies with broadsword plain! Swords of fire, axes, mace, Will deliver me to Vorador's place... Vorador's place... Oh.... But why, dear Vorador, why would you choose To live in this place where life you could lose? So much cursed water, at just every turn. You know if it touches you, your flesh it shall burn! Why, Vorador, why...?  
  
Kain enters the mansion. It is a rich place, filled with...er...riches. He is quickly attacked by the Brides of Vorador.  
  
Kain: (sings) Such charms! Such beauty! Such a beautiful sight! But no less the deadly, with their oh-so-cruel bite! But sentient no longer, just mere slaves To Vorador's whim, til the end of their days!  
  
Kain wanders through the mansion until he comes across Vorador, waiting in his dining room.  
  
Kain: (singing) Deep in the bowels of the forest so black, I found a true nightmare that certain did lack Any sign of even the smallest clue Of humanity's influence in this dank and dark room. Could this be what lies in wait for my damned soul? Will I become him, hearts dark as black coal?  
  
Vorador: Why in the hells are you singing? It's not often I see one of our own, and they generally don't go around singing a lot! Here, drink up. Maybe that'll shut you up. Indulge your gift!  
  
Kain: (VO, singing) He thought this curse a divine gift, a fortunate fluke on fate's random drift. And somewhere deep down, I did understand That Vorador was right - we should own this land! Do mortals not offer us their so-sweet blood While we left bodies to rot in the dust and the mud? Are their dreams nought but pathetic small prayers? For us to show power and make some of it theirs? An inter...  
  
Vorador: Shut up and listen to me, kid! Do you want to know how to defeat Malek or don't you?  
  
Kain: (singing) Oh, indeed, how I...  
  
Vorador pulls out a cross bow with a flaming bolt and points it at Kain's heart.  
  
Vorador: Any more singing and I'll have a bar-b-q right here!  
  
Kain: *eep* I'll be good!  
  
Vorador: Ah, now, about Malek...  
  
The scene fades into a flashback...  
  
Screams are heard and flames are felt as Vampire after Vampire is put to death. The Sarafan laugh at the slaughter of their enemies, revelling in their genocidal war. The scene ripples, and we are looking at it through the scrying pool of the Circle of Nine, who watch in satisfaction as the undead are sent to the great beyond. As the carnage continues, one of the Circle turns to another, a look of concern on his face.  
  
Guardian 1: My friend, did you hear that?  
  
Guardian 2: Hear what?  
  
Guardian 1: I thought I heard a weird voice, going on about aeons, words, blood, and stuff.  
  
Guardian 2: Actually, no you didn't. See, this is Vorador's flashback of memories, and it doesn't have the whole "initiation of a new aeon" bit in it. So really, you didn't hear anything.  
  
Guardian 1: Geez, does that mean we have to go through all that stuff before we reach any new footage?  
  
Guardian 2: Yeah, spin on!  
  
Fast forward special effects...  
  
Vorador: ...this story and Soul reaver 2a! Heh heh...  
  
Vorador dissapates into mist. A moment later, Malek runs into the room.  
  
Malek: Stupid Moebius, still don't see why he needed me to guard the stupid Reaver if he just gives it to that weird...whoa!!! There must have been one hell of a party in here! Everyone's drunken themselves into a stupor! Hey wait a sec, don't people normally have skin? Or chests? Or heads? Don't..?  
  
Vorador appears behind Malek and slams him over the head with the hilt of his sword.  
  
Malek: Ow! Hey, I thought it was a mallet earlier?  
  
Vorador: I'm spicing up the tale.  
  
Malek: Grrr...hey! Aren't I supposed to be cursed by Mortanius now?  
  
Vorador: Not yet.  
  
Vorador and Malek start fighting. Malek blocks Vorador's thrust and pokes him in the eye. Vorador staggers back, and Malek slams the hilt of his polearm into the Vampire's face. Another blow follows, this time to the abdomen, and Vorador slumps to his knee. Malek laughs, raises his weapon to behead Vorador...and Vorador punches him in the crotch! Malek makes a groaning sound, and Vorador rolls to his corner to tag in Umah!  
  
Malek: Urrgh...huh? What's SHE doing here?!  
  
Umah: An Evenflow DDT!  
  
Umah carries out her threat, slamming Malek's head into the concrete. She gestures to the crowd for her finisher, the Betrayel in Meridian, but as she goes for it, Malek counters with a hurricarana! He staggers up, goes to his corner, goes to tag Moebius...but Moebius grabs Malek's head and snaps it on the ropes! Moebius runs away laughing, drawing many boos from the crowd. Malek staggers around and gets slammed in the head by Umah with a steel folding chair. Vorador runs in and pins Malek with a foot on the ropes - 1..2..3!  
  
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match, and NEW Nosgothian Tag Team Champions...UMAH AND VORADOR!!!  
  
Kain: Er, excuse me?  
  
The flashback abruptly ends, and the scene returns to Kain and Vorador in Vorador's mansion.  
  
Kain: What the hell was that?  
  
Vorador: How I beat Malek. Why?  
  
Kain: You what?! That sounded like a rip-off of the WWF!  
  
Vorador: It's WWE now.  
  
Kain: Who cares? I quit watching it when they got rid of all the Vampires and Demons. They were the only good things about it!  
  
Vorador: True...  
  
Kain: (sings) Oh Vorador, your account of the battle...  
  
Vorador: Awww no, not again! Look, if you stop singing, I'll give you this ring!  
  
Kain: Cool, a valuable ring...hey, wait a sec! This is a bunch of teeth glued together with blod! This is worthless!  
  
Vorador: Ah, but if you need me, this ring will summon me. Use only in dire peril.  
  
Kain: Like if I run into several members of the Circle along with Malek and need you to take Malek down while kick the collective ass of the rest of them?  
  
Vorador: Try to at least wait a night or two before using that ring, Kain. Now begone!  
  
Kain walks through a door with a green neon exit sign. It leads him out of the mansion, on the other side of the forest. Nice short cut!  
  
Kain: (sings) And so, I left, a vision before my eyes... Of what I am becoming as my humanity dies... But not all the news is bad, For here in my hand, The key to summoning an ally in this land... So I journey...  
  
A brick flies from out of the distance and smashes Kain on the back of the head, dropping him face first in the mud.  
  
Vorador: And stop singing!!!!!  
  
Kain: Everyone's a critic... 


	7. Part 7 Kain the Sitcom

The scene opens on a random bunch of people dragging a screaming Kain through some corridors.  
  
Kain: NOOOOOO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HAVE PITY ON ME!!!  
  
Guy: Oh quit complaining. Even Vorador wasn't this bad!  
  
Kain: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO THIS!!!!  
  
Guy: Actually we can. You're doing this, like it or not.  
  
The guy throws Kain into a set that we can't quite see, and we hear Kain's tortured screams...  
  
********************************************************************* Welcome to Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're Dead, part 7!  
  
Following the success of the Musical last time, we're bringing you the next evolution of Kain entertainment. So please enjoy...Legacy of Kain - the Sitcom! *********************************************************************  
  
***Opening credits (to the tune of that Lovematic Grandpa thing the impsons once did)***  
  
Credit singers: While walking through Ziegsturhl, a noble passed away, He found himself in Hell, but returned another day, Now he's the Vengeful Vampire! The Vengeful Vampire! He'll fill his veins with blood...  
  
The scene opens on Kain walking along a grassy path. He pulls out a sword and kills a random passer-by.  
  
Kain: VAE VICTUS!  
  
While yelling his battle cry, Kain slips on a loose piece of mud and lands on his butt. His sword lands on his head in a comical fashion.  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: Grr...I can't believe this...  
  
Kain gets up and walks on. After a while, he comes across a sign post.  
  
Kain: In my travels, I learned much about the legend of Janos Audron. Here, in this quaint pastoral village of Uschtenheim, that dark enemy was born. Janos preyed upon its peasants until he was finally hunted down and executed. Hmmm, sounds like a welcoming place. I'm sure that they'll welcome a passing Vampire with open arms.  
  
Kain walks into the village.  
  
***5 minutes later***  
  
Kain runs out of the village with an arrow in his hair and a dagger embedded in his armour. A load of villagers chase him, armed with torches and farming equipment.  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: How'd they get a Vampire-hunting party gathered so damn fast?!  
  
The villagers chase Kain into a dead end. The poor Vampire presses against the wall in terror. The evil villagers approach...  
  
Kain: I only have one chance!  
  
Kain pulls out a pair of dice and throws them to the ground.  
  
Kain: JUMANJI!  
  
A huge robot suddenly appears. As the villagers stare at it, Kain quickly runs off.  
  
Robot: Hi, I'm Jumanji the robot, and I need to eat humans to stay alive.  
  
Villager: Really? When the Vampire yelled "Jumanji", I thought he was going to suck us all into a board game that had been giving him bizzare clues for the last few days.  
  
Jumanji: That's not very realistic now, is it?  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Meanwhile, Kain runs until Mortanius uses his PA system to communicate with him.  
  
Mortanius: A triad congregates at the roof of the world, Kain.  
  
Kain: The roof of the world? You mean the sky? It's not much of a roof...  
  
Mortanius: A plot to twist the land, to shape the world.  
  
Kain: I mean, roofs are there to keep it from raining on you, and the sky is where rain comes from...  
  
Mortanius: North is where your vengeance lies.  
  
Kain: It's just not very rooflike, that's all I'm saying.  
  
Mortanius: Will you just get your ass to Dark Eden?  
  
Kain: Dark Eden? Well why didn't you say so?  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Mortanius: I hate that canned laughter.  
  
Kain goes to Dark Eden.  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: This audience would be really easy to please if it really existed.  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: Shut up!  
  
As Kain walks, the land becomes more twisted, the monsters more...er...monsterous, and the price of hot dogs here is simply outrageous!  
  
Kain: If it could be said that a land descended into madness, it wouldn't be an accurate description of Dark Eden. It wasn't restrained on its bed in the local mental hospital, it wasn't wearing a straitjacket, and it wasn't wandering down the streets proclaiming that the world was coming to an end or something. Magic seethed and shifted. I watched the dome of energy as it expanded, absorbing and recreating, consuming life and leaving behind only a twisted parody....uh-oh...  
  
The energy passes through the shell...and remains unchanged.  
  
Kain: HEY!!!! What, I'm not good enough for you to warp? Are you saying that I'm already too twisted to make worse?! You yellow-bellied coward of an energy dome! Get back here and warp me, you red glowing bitch!!!  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
And so, Kain makes his way to the big tower that is spewing forth the energy...  
  
Kain: Hmmph. Not much of a tower. It's only about ten times the size of me! I'll bet there's barely enough room for a TV in there...  
  
Kain enters the tower. Inside, it is many, many, many times bigger.  
  
Kain: Grrr...I never get used to that TARDIS technology!  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: Or that.  
  
A while later after some dull fight scenes, Kain meets the three Circle members that are at the heart of this plot - DeJoule, Bane and Anacrothe.  
  
Kain: Ah, not one but three. DeJoule the...well, you already know their names, and I'm too lazy to recite them all.  
  
Bane: Ah, so the Scourge of the Circle has arrived...  
  
Kain: Scourge? You know, I've only actually killed one Circle member. That's not really a Scourge, is it? OK, maybe if I kill the three of you, then you can call me that. But a better name would be "Guy who killed one Circle member".  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
DeJoule: Fear him not, Bane...  
  
Bane: I'm not afraid! Who said I was afraid?  
  
DeJoule: What I meant was...  
  
Bane: Are you calling me a coward?  
  
DeJoule: No, I just...  
  
Bane: RIGHT! That's it! I've had it with you! You're always insulting me!  
  
DeJoule: No I'm not! That was my first line...  
  
Bane: And you used it to question my bravery! I'll kill you!  
  
Bane swipes at DeJoule, but misses and runs head-first into the wall.  
  
DeJoule: Now that's what I call using your head!  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: That joke rates laughter?! That was the worst joke I've ever heard! Who in their right mind would laugh at that?!  
  
There is silence...  
  
Anacrothe: Well, sod this. I'm bored. Malek! You deal with this!  
  
Anacrothe disappears. Malek appears in his place.  
  
Malek: Awww, but I'd almost beaten Shao Kahn with Johnny Cage!  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: Cowardly little git! Get back here!  
  
Bane: I AM NOT A COWARD!!!!!!  
  
Kain: Not you. Anacrothe.  
  
DeJoule: Ha! We outnumber you three to one! You're dead!  
  
Kain: Ah, but I have a secret ally!  
  
Malek: Oh yeah? Who?  
  
Kain flashes his ring in the air. Vorador appears.  
  
Vorador: Yo!  
  
***wild canned cheers and applause that lasts for about three minutes***  
  
Vorador: Geez, Kain. I only gave you that ring three hours ago. How the hell did you get in that much trouble so quickly?  
  
Kain: The writer hates me.  
  
Raziel: No he doesn't. If he did, you'd be faced with loads of block puzzles! No, if you'll excuse me, I've got things to do.  
  
Raziel leaves.  
  
Kain: He seems to appear a lot for someone who died hundreds of years ago and won't be brought back for hundreds of years!  
  
Vorador: Don't think about it, Kain. Think about the good things in your life instead.  
  
Kain bursts into tears.  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Malek: Uh, can I say something?  
  
Vorador: Sure, why not?  
  
Malek: Vengeance! Vengeance for my eternity of suffering!  
  
Vorador: Whelp! As if you knew what eternity was!  
  
Malek: Infinite time. Forever. Never ending.  
  
Vorador: Shut up and grovel before your true master!  
  
Malek: Never! I'll hack you from crotch to gizzard and feed what's left of you to your brides!  
  
Vorador: They won't eat me. They're vegetarians.  
  
Malek: Vegetarian Vampires?! That makes no sense!  
  
Vorador: That's why it fits so well with this story.  
  
Malek: Enough of this! DIE!  
  
Vorador pulls out a small device with a button. He presses the button, and Malek is crushed to bits by a gigantic boot.  
  
Vorador: Guess he had a pressing engagement.  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: I swear, one more bad pun...BANE!!! Where the hell do you think you're going?!  
  
Bane: Nowhere! I'm not running away!  
  
DeJoule: I am!  
  
Kain: Get back here!  
  
Kain chases the Circle members out into a courtyard. After a quick fight, he kills the pair, returns to the tower, grabs Malek's mashed helmet, then turns into a bat and flies off to the Pillars.  
  
Vorador: How about a thank you? I have feelings too!  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Back at the Pillars, Kain uses the artifacts to heal the Pillars of Conflict, Energy and Nature. Ariel is, suprise suprise, talking on her mobile. She puts it away to speak to Kain.  
  
Ariel: Well, Kain, first Nupraptor's head, and now Malek's helmet? Looks like you know how to get ahead in this game!  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: Grrrr...  
  
Ariel: Now you must seek Azimuth the Planar at the heart of Avernus. Three instruments await you, to aid you in your quest, but first you must rise and you must fall and find your salvation in between. Kind of like an intern at the White House...  
  
***several 'oooh's and canned laughs at that cheeky joke***  
  
Kain: Wait a sec...the laughter seems louder over here....  
  
Kain pulls up a slab in the base of the Pillars. He finds Dumah and Faustus in a small alcove underneath with the laughter machine used to make all the canned laughter. There is a moment's embarassed silence. Dumah presses a button.  
  
***canned laughter***  
  
Kain: It was YOU all the time!  
  
Faustus: Er, we can explain...  
  
Kain: I know why you're here! You're the two pretty boys that all the fangirls go after! I'll bet the writer put you in just as a nod to Morning and Syvia's Fluff fic!  
  
Dumah: Er, I think they call her Anamae here...  
  
Kain: I don't care! Not get back to your proper games!!!  
  
Kain picks both Vampires up by the throat, boots Faustus into Blood Omen 2, and then throws Dumah into Soul Reaver 1. He then smashes the machine with his sword.  
  
Kain: If anyone wants me, I'll be at Avernus!  
  
Kain stomps on a piece of masonry. From the distance, a rope shoots out, grabs Kain by the wrist, and pulls him over the horizon at breakneck speed.  
  
Ariel: That boy has serious problems.  
  
***credits don't roll, as the machine Dumah and Faustus were using is in more pieces than Raziel after a few hundred years in the lake of the dead...*** 


	8. Part 8 Lunacy in Avernus

We rejoin Kain as he exits a big cave that led to the Lightning spell. After spending a few days dramatically reducing the monster population of Dark Eden with it, he prepares to go to Avernus.  
  
Kain: I hope Azimuth kept the home fire burning for me!  
  
Irmok: Yeah, especially since you said you were going straight to Avernus from the Pillars!  
  
Kain turns to see Irmok the Mad.  
  
Irmok: I mean, why in the world would you go back to Dark Eden if you wanted to go to Avernus? On the off chance you'd get a kick-ass Lightning spell?  
  
Kain: What are you doing here?  
  
Irmok: Popular demand.  
  
Kain: How do you figure that?  
  
Irmok points to behind Kain. Kain sees a huge crowd wearing Irmok t-shirts, holding up signs saying things like "We Love Irmok", "Irmok for President" and "Irmok for King as we don't have Presidents in Nosgoth", and even a giant Irmok doll.  
  
Kain: Grrr. And what merchandise do I have? A toy based on the SR1 me that is damn-near impossible to get hold of! I want a Kain t-shirt! "Vote Kain - He'll kill you if you don't!"  
  
Irmok: I think the ink costs are too high for your t-shirt.  
  
Kain: That makes no sense. But then, you are mad. I mean, you think Steichencroe is a good place to live!  
  
Irmok: No I don't. I hate it.  
  
Kain: Then why don't you live somewhere else?  
  
Irmok: I can never leave that town...  
  
Kain: Yes you can. You're not in it now, are you? You're on the outskirts of Dark Eden talking to me!  
  
Irmok: No I'm not.  
  
Kain: Yes you are.  
  
Irmok: Not!  
  
Kain: YES YOU ARE!  
  
Irmok: Nope!  
  
Kain: YOU DAMN WELL...oh, the hell with it. I'm out of here.  
  
Kain gets on his motorcycle and starts driving away. After a few miles, he shakes his hair free in the wind, marvelling at the feel of riding a device that doesn't exist in his world. No sooner has he thought this than the bike disappears, leaving him in a sitting position flying through the air.  
  
Kain: Oh crap. Still, at least things can't get any worse...  
  
Kain lands softly in a large wagon full of bedding.  
  
Kain: Ha! I did the "Can't get any worse" line, and I'm fine! I am invincible!  
  
At that moment, the cart blows up. Kain runs around with an arm on fire before plunging it into a lake. He sighs in relief for a moment, then screams as he remembers that water burns the skin of a Vampire. Kain runs off into the distance. The moral of the story is not to tempt fate, because not only does fate hold all the cards, it holds the rulebook, the spare deck, and it cheats.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Welcome to part 8 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're Dead!  
  
In this chapter, we see pretty much the sort of thing that we've seen in all the other chapters, except that this one is based in Avernus. And this is the only part that is eighth in the series. Well, apart from part 5, but that's only because I can't count.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Kain stands on a clifftop, looking down at a burning Avernus.  
  
Kain: (VO) Avernus consumed itself before my eyes.  
  
A giant mouth appears in the ground in the east part of the city and eats a load of buildings.  
  
Kain: Hmmm...I think I'll avoid that part of town.  
  
Irmok: Here, if you're wondering where to visit, I'll sell you the Nosgoth A-Z.  
  
Kain: You again? What now?  
  
Irmok: Just thought it might help you. You'd have made much faster progress if you'd had it before. It lists everything. Malek's Bastion, the Pillars, Dark Eden, Moebius' Cave...  
  
Kain: Who?  
  
Irmok: Moebius! You know, the Time-Stre...  
  
AHEM!!!!!  
  
Irmok: What? Oh...er...um...did I say Moebius? I meant the Oracle! Silly me! Of course, the Oracle, and not the Guardian of the Pillar of Time at all...  
  
Kain shakes his head and boots Irmok over the horizon. He then marches on into Avernus. No sooner has he entered the town, drunk the blood of a few townspeople, wandered through some sewers and done some shopping at the grocer's, than a grey, lightning shooting demon attacks him! The demon shoots several lightning bolts, all of which Kain dodges with ease, making it look like a scene from Dragonball Z.  
  
Kain: KA...ME...HA...ME...HA!!!!!!!  
  
A giant ball of light shoots from Kain's hands. However, the writer thinks that the story has gotten a little too much like DBZ, so the Kame Hame Ha wave merely blows up the local opticians.  
  
Demon: Ha ha!!!  
  
The demon shoots more lightning bolts, but Kain uses the Repel spell to block them.  
  
Kain: (with stupid fake Australian accent) Call that a lightning bolt? THIS is a lightning bolt!  
  
Kain uses the Lightning spell to kill the demon, as well as all other life/death/other fromes within a half mile radius.  
  
Kain: I love this spell!  
  
Kain goes on, and is attacked by a green demon that breathes poison. Repel spell and Flame Sword kills the demon.  
  
Kain goes on, and is attacked by a red demon that throws fireballs. Repel spell and a few implodes kill the demon.  
  
Kain goes on, and is attacked by a black demon that is very hard (and not supposed to be in BO1). Repel spell and Pentalich of Tarot kills the demon. Starting to see a pattern here?  
  
Kain: The Repel spell. Never leave the crypt without it!  
  
Because the writer is getting bored, Kain is suddenly dropped into a scene full of demons of every size, colour, gender, sexual preference and politcal affiliation.  
  
Kain: Eeeep...  
  
Demon: Get him!  
  
Kain looks doomed. He activates the Repel spell, but there are too many demons for him to kill before it fades. It looks curtains for the Vampire until...  
  
A computer crash turns the next paragraph into random symbols!  
  
^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@ @@^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^% $*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@ ^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^%$* %^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@^! *&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&_@@#!&*&(^@@@^!*&(*)*&*$&@^%#$#*(*I  
  
Kain stands over the bodies of a million demons, not a single scratch on his own corpse.  
  
Kain: What a great tactical maneuver! I destroyed those demons in a way that was not only inventive, but also very hilarious!  
  
No you didn't! You bribed me into getting you out of that scrape!  
  
Kain: Shut up, writer. I don't need you anymore!  
  
Out of spite, Kain is dumped into another load of demons.  
  
Kain: Oh, very mature!  
  
Kain skillfully fights (ie. uses the Repel spell a lot) to escape into Avernus Cathedral.  
  
Kain: Yet another TARDIS building!  
  
Kain enters, kills a bunch of monks who were tinkering around with stealth flamethrowers - flamethrowers cunningly disguised as simple books. Available now from www.seriolishop.com. This week's special offer - trade in your old blood-drinking sword for an upgraded model that drains the very souls from your enemies! (Small print - Upgraded sword may contain deranged spirit that acts violently and unpredictably when awoken. The Serioli accept no responsibility for the actions of such spirits.)  
  
Anyway, eventually Kain falls down a long, long, long, long, long flight of stairs and crashes into an ancient, decaying temple with a large book that reads as follows:  
  
Book: And Hash'Ak'Gik did say "Kill your first-born sons and soak the soil with their blood.". And a farmer did say "Why, oh Dark Entity? Do you wish to nourish yourself from such an act?" And Hash'Ak'Gik did say "No, I'm just pissed off that I have such an awful name! Do you know what it's like to try and pick up girls at a party when telling them your name makes them think that you're coughing and hacking in their face?" And the farmer said "I'd have thought that the fact that you look like a hybrid of a huge bear and a mutant skeleton would prevent you from ever even talking to girls." And yay, Hash'Ak'Gik did slaughter the farmer and use his entrails to make a rather nice sauce that quickly gained much critical approval and was sold for a very good price on eBay. And then, Hash'Ak'Gik did say "Make me a book that only opens on one page, and then write about my terrorising the world on those pages. And put some bloodied handprints on the page for dramatic effect.". And the writer turned to the illustrator and said "What did he say I should write?". And the illustrator did say "Dunno, wasn't listening. Just put in any old crap, we'll shove it in that old giant cloakroom in Avernus Cathedral, no one'll ever read it there.".  
  
Kain: How odd, and how useless. I doubt this has any connection to me, and I'm sure I won't have to fight this Hash'Ak'Gik as a final boss.  
  
Kain goes off and eventually finds the Soul Reaver, waiting patiently on a table in the middle of a Cruxshadows gig.  
  
Kain: YES! Finally, I have the ultimate weapon! Now no one will stop me...OW!!!  
  
The Reaver is smashing Kain on the head.  
  
Reaver: Kain!!! I'm still pissed off that you killed my entire clan!!  
  
Kain: Raziel? Dammit, I don't know you yet! Leave me alone!  
  
Reaver: I'll leave you alone - leave you alone and dead!!!  
  
The Reaver goes to stab Kain through the chest, but at the last moment, Kain flips the "Sentience" switch to the OFF position, and the blade falls silent. Shrugging, Kain walks through the door marked "This way to Azimuth". He enters, and suprisingly enough runs into Azimuth!  
  
Azimuth: What's this? I had not even realized that that big wavy sword thingy was here!  
  
Kain: You didn't know that the Cruxshadows were playing in your cathedral?  
  
Azimuth: Come, my demons! Let us sup on Vampire blood!  
  
A horde of demons appear at Azimuth's command. One swipe with the Reaver and they are in little bits.  
  
Azimuth: Oh, fu...  
  
Kain: Let's keep this suitable for kids - no swearing!  
  
Kain hits Azimuth with the Reaver. With a splatter of gore, her body explodes, sending visceral organs and vital fluids splurting all over the room.  
  
Kain: There, still suitable for kids!  
  
Kain rips out Azimuth's third eye, which is suprising as it just happened to be the only body part not currently acting as wallpaper paste. He also picks up a strange device.  
  
Ariel: It will deliver you...in time...  
  
Kain: Huh? Where are you?  
  
Ariel: At the pillars. I used my mobile phone to hack into Mortanius' PA system.  
  
Kain: Right...now what? Hmmm, maybe this'll help...  
  
Kain opens a nearby book. On the page he opens on is a coloured illustration which, oddly enough, is moving like a small TV screen. Kain touches the moving picture, and dissolves into the book. He reappears on an island with strange architecture. Two young men are there.  
  
Kain: Huh? Where am I?  
  
Sirrus: On Myst.  
  
Achenar: You'll have to solve lots of really tough puzzles to get through the island and escape...and release me too!  
  
Kain: OK, let me think...  
  
Sirrus: No! Save me! He's a git!  
  
Achenar: Shaddap, Sissy-us!  
  
Sirrus: No, you shut up Ass-enar!  
  
Achenar: I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
Sirrus: NO, I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
Kain uses the Lightning spell to blast both troublemakers into smithereens.  
  
Kain: Be quiet! I'll need to concentrate to get through Myst...oh, wait, here's a Linking book back to Nosgoth!  
  
Kain uses the book and disappears. Atrus walks in, twisting the ear of Gehn.  
  
Atrus: See, dad? If you don't stop being such a tyrant, I'll sick HIM onto you!  
  
Gehn: Eeeep! I'll be good!  
  
Saavedro: Wow...makes my attempt at vengeance look a bit tame... 


	9. Part 9 A break from the Quest

The scene opens on Kain, in a tuxedo, sitting at a desk.  
  
Kain: Good evening. It has been brought to the writer's attention by a Mr Cat In A Hat that some readers may have been offended by the term "Stupid Australian Accent" in the previous chapter. Crystarr would like to take this oppertunity to assure all Australian readers that he meant no offence. In fact, what he was trying to say was that his attempt at an Australian accent was what was stupid, not the accent itself. It was HIS attempt at an accent which was stupidly pathetic, proving that the talentless bum really should...  
  
OI!!!  
  
Kain: Er, sorry. Anyway, Crystarr hopes that you accept his heartfelt apology, and enjoy the rest of his story. Neither the writer nor the characters of Legacy of Kain have any problem with Australians.  
  
Voice: I do!  
  
Kain: The Oracle?  
  
Voice: Oracle? I'm not the Oracle! I'm Moebius!  
  
Kain: Oh, of course. So why do you have a problem with Australian fans?  
  
Moebius, and not anyone else, understand?: Because they all treat me like dirt, as if I'm just a monster for them to curse for my evil deeds!  
  
Kain: But Moebius (and in no way a Seer, Soothsayer or any related profession), it's not the Australian fans that do that. ALL Legacy of Kains do that to you!  
  
A Time Guardian, and not an Oracle: You what? Don't be daft! The fans love me!  
  
98% of all the Legacy of Kain fans in history run in and kick the crap out of Moebius.  
  
Kain: I can tell.  
  
Definately Moebius: Ugh...I'm not...done...yet...  
  
Raziel walks in and stamps on Moebius' head.  
  
Raziel: Git.  
  
Not the Oracle: Why...you...t-toxic...  
  
Malek comes in and kicks Moebius hard in the testicles.  
  
Malek: Bastard!  
  
Kain: So, with our apology over, we can get on with the story. Is that OK, Mr Time Guardian?  
  
A very hurt, but not at all Oreacle-like Moebius: W-why man, he doth bestride the world like a colossus...  
  
Moebius faints.  
  
Kain: I'll take that as a yes.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Welcome to part 9 of Legacy of Kain 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!  
  
In this chapter, I parodise Legacy of Kain in a new and exciting way - with my eyes shut!  
  
*$HB#%I^%B if bur68u7%$E$&^UGVE trbhur6gu^%&%& O&O f fujT rdrtu&RT* % yVUHB^R&HK  
  
Hmmm...on second thoughts, I think I'll keep doing it the old fashioned way.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Having fixed the Pillar of Dimension, Kain waits for Ariel to finish chatting on her phone. Eventually, she turns her attention to him.  
  
Ariel: Well done. You have found Moebius' toy.  
  
Kain: What? His doll?  
  
Ariel: No, his Time-Streaming device.  
  
Kain: profanity deleted! I knew I'd left something at Avernus! I'll be right back!  
  
***3 hours later***  
  
Having fixed the Pillar of Dimension, Kain waits for Ariel to finish chatting on her phone. Eventually, she turns her attention to him.  
  
Ariel: Well done. You have found Moebius' toy.  
  
Kain: Yep! One Time-Streaming device right here!  
  
Ariel: Uh, Kain? Where are you keeping the Soul Reaver?  
  
Kain: Why right...huh? Oh, you son of a...  
  
***3 hours later***  
  
Kain: *huff* *gasp* G-got it!  
  
Ariel: Wasn't that hand holding the Time-Streaming device when you left?  
  
Kain: Awww CRAP!!!!!  
  
***3 hours and 30 minutes later (Kain's getting too tired to run as fast now)***  
  
Kain: *gasp* *wheeze* O...K...got...them...both...  
  
Ariel: Er...  
  
Kain: I...forgot...the...Wraith...Armour...didn't...I...?  
  
Ariel: Yep.  
  
***1 day later***  
  
Kain: Thank goodness for the Sanctuary spell...OK, got all three of them!  
  
Ariel: And Mortanius' Death Orb?  
  
Kain: Oh for...  
  
***1 1/2 hours later***  
  
Kain: ARIEL!!!! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU HALF FACED BITCH?!?!  
  
Ariel: Something wrong?  
  
Kain: I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE DEATH ORB YET! YOU TRICKED ME!!!  
  
Ariel: Heh heh heh!  
  
Kain: Well, that's the end of another chapter...  
  
Ariel: I don't think so.  
  
Kain: Awww, come on! This chapter's gone on for a day and a half already!  
  
Ariel: I don't care. I'm not the one who has to wander around Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: Fine. Who's next?  
  
Ariel: The Legions of the Nemesis are on the march from the north, crushing all in their path. 'Twas not too long ago that the Nemesis was known as William the Just, a caring and gentle benefactor of the land, except for his rather unhealthy squirrel obsession. But, as his army grew in strength, he himself grew in power, and his pet mutant squirrel grew in number of limbs, the veil of tyranny fell and one kingdom was not enough. So many cities, so many dead. Willendorf will be sure to follow. The Nemesis must be stopped or all shall be lost...  
  
Kain: Sorry, I must have mis-heard. What Pillar did you say the Nemesis guarded?  
  
Ariel: Er...none.  
  
Kain: Right. So, now that you've got that pointless bit of digression out of the way, who am I going for next?  
  
Ariel: You must stop the Nemesis! You must rally the forces of Willendorf!  
  
Kain: Ariel, you see this map of Nosgoth here?  
  
Ariel: Yes. You're pointing to the rumoured site of the Lost City.  
  
Kain: Yes. Well, that's where the people who care live.  
  
Ariel: But Kaaaaaaiiiin!!!!  
  
Kain: It's bad enough you've got me going after every member of the sodding Circle after it was supposed to be just Nupraptor. Now you're getting me to go off some guy I couldn't care less about! Well, T.S! I'm not going!  
  
Ariel pulls a lever, and Kain appears near Willendorf.  
  
Kain: Grrr...odd, normally these teleportations were more painful...  
  
A flowerpot falls on Kain's head.  
  
Kain: Ha. That didn't hurt!  
  
An anvil falls on Kain's head.  
  
Kain: YYYYEEEEEOOOOOWWW!!!! Why you...  
  
Mortanius: Strange, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept that which sustains him: you in your death and me in mine. But death cannot reign in a world without life and soon you will find the quest ahead of you is yours and yours alone. I can assist you no longer.  
  
Kain: Assist me? You've done nothing! All you do is occasionally pop up and give some cryptic and frankly not very helpful remark about something or other!  
  
Mortanius: Hey! I did bring you back from the dead, remember?  
  
Kain: Remember? You never let me forget!!!  
  
Kain uses his Disguise to enter Willendorf, which fools all the guards, because I can't be bothered to do all that Beguile crap. Once again, showing just how determined and relentless he is in his persuit of revenge (although this whole trip seems unrelated to his quest in the first place), he takes a quick trip to the Library.  
  
Kain: (VO) The great library of Willendorf. Filled with dull tomes of trite accounts by pompous historians about matters that could not possibly be of interest to anyone but themselves. And pornography. The people of Willendorf are trying to reduce the amount of brothels in Nosgoth. Judging by the quality of this stuff, though, they're destined to fail. Not that I took much of a look at it, of course! No, I...er...oh, look, what's this?  
  
Kain: (VO) The book spoke of the birth of the Circle. The Circle served the Pillars, and did a pretty crappy job at it. One little prblem and the whole thing falls apart, and needs a Vampire to come and fix it. At the unlikely, though increasingly common, death of a member, the Circle remains broken for a time, until the Pillars can cull a worthy successor. Meaning that they just pick some guy off the street, probably. Who let Nupraptor be a Guardian?  
  
Kain: (VO) I came upon another book of interest buried deep amongst the library's tomes. It spoke of a small cult that existed in Nosgoth, ages past. Wherever they traveled strange tales of human possession would follow. Little is known of the god they worshipped, he was referred to as the Unspoken. Though his real name was Hash'Ak'Gik, he had contacts within the Circle, his favourite colour was green, and he really enjoyed "It's a Wonderful Life". The monster really was sick.  
  
Finally, Kain quits the stupid library and actually gets to visit the court of King Ottmar.  
  
Kain: (VO) The court of King Ottmar. Flipping Heck, it was tacky. Why was it painted with pink and lime coloured starts? And why was there a large yellow smiley face on the door leading to the antechamber? Ottmar needed his head examined.  
  
A servant blocks Kain's path.  
  
Servant: The king sees no one! He is in mourning for the princess!  
  
Kain: He'll be in mourning for his kingdom soon. And he'll not mourn for you because he's a royal, and royals couldn't give a crap about the normal citizen in their country! Bastards, being born into power and money, and assuming that they should be superior because they won the genetic lottery! You can tell that the writer is a British anarchist, can't you? Hehehe...  
  
Servant: You shall not pass!  
  
Kain: brings the hilt of the Soul Reaver down so hard onto the servant's head that the head disappears into the servant's torso.  
  
Servant: You can pass!!!!  
  
Kain walks right in, and faces Ottmar.  
  
Ottmar: A birthday present. To celebrate her birthday, I declared a contest.  
  
Kain: Er, hello? King fellow?  
  
Ottmar: Whoever created the finest doll in the realm would be granted a royal favor. Hundreds of dolls were brought, but the winner was obvious.  
  
Kain: I don't care about these bloody dolls! I want you to get your army together and stop the Nemesis!  
  
Ottmar: Elzevir, the Dollmaker, created a toy of such beauty that all were captivated by it. And all he would take in payment was a lock of her hair.  
  
Kain: Hello?! Are you listening?!?!  
  
Ottmar: Soon after she became like this; a lifeless puppet. Whoever restores her to her former self shall have this kingdom!  
  
Kain: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID DAUGHTER!!!!!  
  
Ottmar: Well I'm not going after the Nemesis unless my daughter is restored pretty damn pronto!  
  
Kain: Oh, COME ON!!! This is ridiculous! Now I'm going after a blimming toy man?!? I swear, this had better all be worthwhile...  
  
Kain storms out.  
  
Kain: *grumblegrumble* You see the Vampires in films, they seem to spend every night of their unlives killing enemies and having passionate sex with beautiful women (or men, depending on gender and preference). And what do I spend my nights doing? Wandering through mountains in search of toy shops. I swear, someone will pay for this. Oh yes. Someone will pay...  
  
And here ends another chapter. These chapters seems to get a little less coherent and a little more pointless each time, don't they? 


	10. Part 10 Kain v Toys'R'Us

The scene opens on a man in a suit sitting at a desk.  
  
Man: Ladies and gentlemen...  
  
At this point, the man suddenly explodes for no real reason. As the bits settle and the smoke clears, Mortanius and Janos Audron walk onto the scene.  
  
Mortanius: What do you reckon that was about then?  
  
Janos: I'm guessing that the writer's running out of ideas.  
  
Mortanius: Ah, figures. To be honest, I'm suprised he's kept the series going this long!  
  
Janos: Yeah. It's been months now. When d'you reckon he'll get a clue and pack the whole thing in?  
  
Mortanius: With his idiocy? Probably never. Sadly for the rest of us.  
  
At this point, Kain walks in.  
  
Kain: Guys? It's not a good idea to insult the writer like this.  
  
Mortanius: Why not? He's a total moron!  
  
Janos: Besides, he's not going to drop a giant anvil on us, ya know!  
  
Janos and Mortanius are suddenly turned into chocolate cake and eaten by a passing elephant.  
  
Kain: You're right. He didn't.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Welcome to part 10 of Legacy of Kain 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!  
  
In this chapter, an empire of blood, carved by the Vampire Kain, will not appear in Nosgoth. That doesn't happen until well after Blood Omen 1. Also, yet more apologies to Cat in a Hat for using the wrong gender in my apology to her last chapter (and thanks to Flute for pointing that out!). To show how sorry I am, please indicate which character you least like in LoK, and I will drop a giant watermelon on them next chapter!  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Kain: (VO) I spent several days trudging through the wildernesses of Nosgoth to get to the Toymaker's mansion. I was foolish to listen to the rumours saying that the tunnel from the castle to the area where Elzevir was stationed. No wonder Ottmar couldn't get his daughter's soul back. The guy employs utter fools in his army! So I had to walk through forests and through Stahlberg to continue. The Nemesis had destroyed Stahlberg, all the Universities and probably a couple of brothels too. I detested the scars left upon the world at the hands of the Nemesis. Dunno why. I didn't care one way or the other about him last chapter. But that was before I'd been taken the wrong way through that damned tunnel, I guess.  
  
Kain trudges through the ice fields he has found himself in, and finally stands before the giant stronghold of Elzevir the Dollmaker...  
  
Kain: OK, hold it there. I know I touched on this before, but I really have to express my displeasure on this point. I am Kain. By the point of the series that we've reached at December 2002 (when this chapter was written), I could also be known as the scourge of the Circle, the defeater of the Hylden, the Dark Emperor of Nosgoth, the Lord of the Vampire Clans...basically, a very feared and powerful guy. Right? So now my enemy here, my latest "Most powerful enemy in Nosgoth this month that Kain has to destroy to save Nosgoth" is called Elzevir the Dollmaker?!? Who next? Altair the Teddy-father? Samarne the Video Game Designer? The guy who invented the Rubix Cube? Grrr...  
  
Kain walks into the dark and menacing Toys 'R' Us branch, and is met with a labyrinth of ailses (how the hell do you spell the plural of "aisle"? Answers on a postcard to...) containing toys, shoppers, and employees who keep doing a slightly altered version of the following scene:  
  
Employee: Excuse me, sir, can I help you?  
  
Kain: For the millionth time, NO!!!  
  
Employee: Ah, just browsing?  
  
Kain: No!!! I'm trying to find Elzevir the Dollmaker so I can rip him apart and steal a doll of his!  
  
Employee: Ah, that'd be aisle 735.  
  
Kain: The last employee said it was this aisle!  
  
Employee: No, this one is Yu-Gi-Oh cards.  
  
Kain: Er, we've done the Yu-Gi-Oh jokes.  
  
Employee: Yeah, but that was ages ago! The audience won't remember that far back!  
  
Kain: I think you underestimate the intelligence of the LoK fans. They're a highly intelligent bunch.  
  
Employee: Didn't your voice actor have a scene in the New Adventures of Superman where he showed disgust towards sycophants?  
  
Kain: We don't talk about that. I am a classic and highly original anti- hero. Lord Nor was an idiot.  
  
Employee: The point is that I think you're exaggerating about the LoK fandom's intelligence.  
  
Kain: Oh yeah? We'll see about that! Pick an audience member at random.  
  
Employee: OK...that one!  
  
The camera shows Irmok the Mad.  
  
Kain: He doesn't count.  
  
Employee: Why not?  
  
Kain: He's a character, not a fan, and also, he's dead.  
  
Employee: He's not dead!  
  
Kain throws an Implode at Irmok. Irmok, suprisingly enough, implodes.  
  
Kain: Yes he is.  
  
Employee: Alright...that one!  
  
A tall, long haired fan walks into the scene.  
  
Kain: Now, you're just a random LoK fan, aren't you?  
  
Fan: Yes. That is true.  
  
Employee: Wait a sec...6 foot six? Shoulder-length slightly-messy hair? Romantic-era Goth clothes? WELSH ACCENT???  
  
Fan: Your point would be?  
  
Employee: You're not a random fan! You're Crystarr, the guy who's writing this rambling excuse for a fanfic!!!  
  
Crystarr: Er...there's no concrete evidence for that!  
  
Employee: Yes there is!  
  
Crystarr: Like what?  
  
Employee: It says your name every time you have a line! I don't believe this! Now this is a self-insertion fic? You've got a huge ego problem if you think anyone wants to read about you...  
  
Suddenly, a giant pelican waddles by and eats the employye.  
  
Crystarr: Now what are the odds of that happening? Answers on a postcard to...  
  
Crystarr walks off, his demonstration of how not to take constructive criticism complete. Meanwhile, Kain is having a nervous breakdown due to the way that this fic is progressing (or the way that it's not progressing, depending on your point of view {look, the last time that any sort of plot advance occured was a page and a half ago - since then we've just been going on about Toys'R'Us employees! [Hey, I wonder how many digressions in brackets we can fit into this paragraph? Answers on a postcard to...]}). After a few weeks of therapy, Kain returns and charges into the manager's office, where he finds Elzevir juggling dolls.  
  
Kain: Elzevir! I have come for the soul!  
  
Elzevir: You mean the soul of Princess R?  
  
Kain: R? Is that the Princess's name?  
  
Elzevir: Yep. That's why I took her soul in the first place! So then I could have an extra R-s...  
  
Kain: That joke is NOT going to appear in this fic! I do have a little dignity left!  
  
Kain is suddenly dressed in a dress made out of kippers.  
  
Kain: Or not. Please tell me why I'm wearing fish.  
  
I'm not really sure. Answers on a postcard to...  
  
Elzevir: OK, this is getting weird, even for me. I'm going.  
  
Elzevir escapes through a secret door, hidden behind a poster advertising an upcoming joint venture between Toys'R'Us and www.seriolishop.com (this week's special offer - buy any sword and get it imbued in the Elemental Font of your choice!). Kain follows Elzevir.  
  
Elzevir: How did you find my secret door?  
  
Kain: You used it right in front of me.  
  
Elzevir: Oh. Drat.  
  
Kain: Dollmaker, I have no time for these games!  
  
Elzevir: If it weren't for these games, you wouldn't exist!  
  
Kain: Not the Legacy of Kain games! I mean these games you're playing with me!  
  
Elzevir: The Soul is mine! I earned it! Ottmar gave it to me!  
  
Kain: You shall earn it...with blood!  
  
Elzevir: Blood money? But I don't have any change!  
  
Elzevir suddenly finds a blade impaling him through the chest.  
  
Elzevir: Fairwell, my love. I was lucky to have made you. I may be dead, but I invented Nosgoth's first Barbie doll...  
  
Elzevir dies. Thamkfully, Nosgoth is spared the Barbie dolls. Kain picks up the Soul Doll.  
  
Kain: Strange that such a tiny thing - a shred of burlap and silk with a single lock of hair nailed to it - could bring a kingdom to its knees. Small things frequently have enormous consequences...  
  
Or so you keep telling the girls.  
  
Kain: WHAT?!?! Oh, that's it! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now!!  
  
Hmmm, can't think of one. Answers on a postcard to...  
  
Kain: AND QUIT THE DAMN POSTCARD JOKES!!!!!  
  
Never! When will I quit the postcard jokes? Answers on a postcard to...  
  
Kain: AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!  
  
Kain throws the Soul Reaver up towards the writer. The writer quickly increases gravity, forcing the Rever back down, clonking Kain on the head and knocking him out...  
  
***  
  
Kain wakes up, finding himself sitting in an armchair. He looks around. He is in a room where all the walls are covered by red drapes. Nearby, there is a small sofa where a young lady is sitting. And near that, a small man seems to be dancing, his back to Kain. He turns around and speaks, his voice strange, as if someone taped him speaking backwards, then reversed the backwards speak...  
  
Man From Another Place: Let's rock!  
  
Kain: Huh?  
  
Man From Another Place: I have good news. That gum you like is going to come back in style!  
  
Kain: Gum? I don't eat gum! I'm a Vampire! I drink blood!  
  
MFAP: Vampire?! OK, something's wrong here...  
  
Laura Palmer: I thought something was wrong. Special Agents don't normally wear suits made out of fish.  
  
Kain: What? AM I STILL WEARING THIS STUPID THING?!  
  
Suddenly, a slick-haired man in a suit runs in.  
  
Cooper: Sorry I'm late, I've been suffering from insomnia and I couldn't get to sleep...hey! Who's that, and why's he in my seat?  
  
Kain: It's another frigging crossover! I don't believe this! I'm stuck wearing Kipper Armour whilst inserted in a scene from Twin Peaks!  
  
MFAP: I think you've wandered into the wrong dream. Laura, get the cherry pie.  
  
Cooper: And some coffee!  
  
Kain: Cherry pie? Coffee? None of this makes any sense! It's all surreal!  
  
Laura: It's Twin Peaks. And a dream. And it's not a very well written fic.  
  
Kain wakes up. Consequently, he disappears from the Red Room.  
  
Cooper: OK, that kind of spoiled the mood.  
  
MFAP: Yeah...we'll try again tommorrow night.  
  
***  
  
Kain wakes up, dressed in his Iron Armour again, and for some reason in King Ottmar's chamber. Ottmar's sorcerers had grabbed the doll, and were restoring the Princess's soul.  
  
Ottmar: I do not know that I can thank you enough, warrior. My kingdom is but a small price to pay for my daughter's life. Willendorf is yours, if you wish it.  
  
Kain: 'Tis not your kingdom I desire, but your army, Ottmar. I require troops to vanquish the Horde that descends upon us from the North.  
  
Ottmar: Very well. Courtiers, fetch me my armor and mace. There is war to be waged!  
  
The scene changes to a dramatic pre-battle moment. The Horde of the Nemesis menacingly advances in the distance. Ottmar gives one final pep talk to the Army of the Last Hope.  
  
Ottmar: The scourge of Nosgoth is upon us, friends! We shall die today as heroes, lest we live tomorrow as slaves! Ready thine arms! FOR NOSGOTH!!!  
  
The Army cheers, and the battle begins...  
  
***5 minutes later***  
  
Kain looks down on Ottmar, dying from a sword wound in the chest.  
  
Kain: Great. Perfect. You couldn't last five blooming minutes, Ottmar. You're dead, your soldiers are fleeing, and the Nemesis is still poised to conquer Nosgoth. This whole excursion has been a pointless waste of my time! Me and Ariel are going to have words...  
  
Ottmar: The Nemesis and his Horde fall upon us, my friend. I fear I can defend Nosgoth no longer. The Nemesis must be destroyed...for my daughter, Kain! For the world...  
  
Kain stabs Ottmar with the Soul Reaver.  
  
Kain: Yeah, yeah. Now what do I do?  
  
Kain is surrounded by a load of Horde soldiers.  
  
Kain: At a guess, I'd say this is not a good thing.  
  
Suddenly, the Time-Streaming Device activates, and Kain disappears.  
  
Horde Guy 1: Yikes! What happened there?  
  
Horde Guy B: Dunno! One moment he's there, next he's buggered off just like that!  
  
Another Horde Guy: Vanished! Just like the last After Eight mint...  
  
Horde Guy Called Randolph Crandall-Twine: But where? Where did he go?  
  
No, it's not much of a cliffhanger, as anyone who knows anything about Legacy of Kain already knows the answer. But the question is still valid - where did Kain go? Answers on a postcard to...  
  
Employee: Ha! I'm back! That pelican couldn't get the best of me! I AM THE TOYS'R'US EMPLOYEE! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! BWA HAHAHAHA...  
  
Suddenly, a giant roll of toilet paper rolls by, crushing the employee. The employee is never seen again. The moral of this story is that I didn't have a clue how to end this chapter. 


	11. Part 11 The Shocking Truth of the Oracle

The scene opens on a screaming Mortanius being dragged along the floor by Vorador and Magnus.  
  
Mortanius: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vorador: Oh, stop complaining. It's your own fault.  
  
Mortanius: No it isn't!!!  
  
Magnus: Yes it is. You must have done something to make Cat in a Hat choose you for the watermelon bashing.  
  
Mortanius: IT'S NOT FAIR!!! IF CRYSTARR HADN'T MADE THAT JOKE ABOUT AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS I WOULDN'T BE HERE!!!  
  
Vorador: Oh, shut up. Turel! Have you got the watermelon?  
  
Suddenly, a van drives by, hitting Vorador and Magnus. The door of the van opens, and an armoured arm reaches out and grabs Mortanius.  
  
Mortanius: Wha..? What's happening?  
  
Malek: Don't worry, sir! It's my duty to protect the Circle!  
  
***10 minutes later***  
  
Malek urges Mortanius into a thin stone tower.  
  
Malek: In here, sir! They won't get you in here!  
  
Mortanius gratefully runs into the tower, and Malek locks the door behind him. In the tower, Mortanius waits in the dark. After a moment, he calls out.  
  
Mortanius: Malek? Where are you?  
  
A PA system sparks into life.  
  
Malek: Don't worry, Mortanius. I'm right here.  
  
Mortanius: Phew! I must say, this is really good of you. Especially after I, you know, kind of stripped you from your body and damned you to walk Nosgoth as magically animated armour.  
  
Malek: Aaaah, that's all in the past!  
  
Mortanius: So, where are we?  
  
Malek: Well, this is a place I built some years ago. To make sure it worked properly, I kidnapped some random passer-by to test it with, then dumped his corpse in a field. Obviously, I left some mis-clues to make sure I was never implicated.  
  
Mortanius: Ah...heh. So what does this place do?  
  
Malek: Let's just say that this tower is called the "Trial By Watermelon".  
  
Mortanius: Oh! So this is an amusement park, is it?  
  
Malek: Well, it's going to amuse me...  
  
There is a rumbling sound.  
  
Mortanius: What's happening?  
  
Malek: Just gathering the watermelons.  
  
Mortanius: Wait a sec...have you really forgiven me here, Malek?  
  
Malek: Hehehe...I was going to get Moebius first, but you'll do quite nicely, you flesh-robbing little bastard!  
  
A trapdoor opens way above Mortanius, and a huge pile of watermelons starts to drop onto him.  
  
Mortanius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO............!!!!!!  
  
There is a huge chorus of messy bangs and splats. When the juice settles, all that can be seen is a giant watermelon pile.  
  
Malek: Heh heh heh...watermelons are good for me!  
  
A watermelon rolls off the pile, and Mortanius slowly pokes his head out.  
  
Mortanius: Ugh...errgh...I-I yearn f-for the s..sweet emb-b-brace of the g- grave...  
  
A huge watermelon falls down and smashes on Mortanius' head. The Death Guardian is silent.  
  
Malek: Ahhhh, so satisfying. And my anger therapist said that I wasn't making any progress...  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Welcome to part 11 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!  
  
Q. How do you know you're reading a chapter of Blood Omen 1a?  
  
A. Because nothing makes any sense! Kind of like a University lecture! (Except lectures don't have Vampires in them. Or Circle members. Or Nosgoth, Soul Reavers, Repel spells...OK, so it was a bad comparison!)  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Kain looks around, slightly puzzled.  
  
Kain: (VO) At once, the battlefield was gone. Where the ground was caked with blood and icing (that Nemesis has a really strange sense of humour), there was lush greenery. Where chaos reigned only moments before, this damning calm prevailed. Alas, it seemed I was stranded here - the Time Streaming Device lay in pieces at my feet, and they'd cancelled the last train.  
  
Kain explores the field he is in and finds a man lying there. He has been beaten to death, his body battered with large fist-wounds the size and shape of watermelons. In fact, he looks like he has been crushed to death by falling watermelons, but that can't be true, because there is a sign next to him that reads:  
  
"Despite all apparent evidence, this man was not killed while testing a device to crush my enemies to death by dropping lots of watermelons on them. Honest. 'M'"  
  
Kain reaches out to the corpse, and somehow reads his mind. Don't remember picking up that spell. Oh well...In the corpse's mind, Kain sees a gathering of villagers around a large platform. On this platform is a man that looks a lot like the Oracle, but can't be him (and definately isn't Moebius) because he is wearing white robes and sunglasses.  
  
Faith Healer: Would you stand idle as vermin destroyed your crops?  
  
Crowd: NO!  
  
Faith Healer: As your house burned?  
  
Crowd: NO!  
  
Faith Healer: Will you allow this evil to continue, brothers and sisters?  
  
Crowd: NO!  
  
Faith Healer: Oh, will the wickedness end?  
  
Crowd: NO! Er...we mean YES!  
  
Faith Healer: Oh do you BELIEVE???  
  
Crowd: TESTIFY, OH TESTIFY!!!!  
  
Faith Healer: Then take me to your king, so that I can prepare you for the onslaught! Oh, and please donate generously to my favourite charity, the FFFETSP (Fund For Financing Evil Time Streamer's Plots)!  
  
Kain snaps back to reality.  
  
Kain: (VO) Ah, so it seemed that I was in the land of William the Just, fifty years before the battle I had just escaped would take place. I knew this partly because it was fifty years ago that Faith Healers roamed Nosgoth, partly because of the positions of the clouds, but mostly because of the sign hanging on the wall of the nearby castle stating "Welcome to the land of William the Just fifty years in the past. Sign kindly provided by the Serioli Shoppe in Coorhagen. New offer - buy two axes and get free membership of their Internet site soon to be created!"  
  
Kain pulls out a skateboard and starts riding towards William's castle. Yes I know it's silly, but Kain simply won't wear the safety helmet. But then, he is dead already, I guess.  
  
Anyway, after beating some pretty pathetic guards, Kain breaks into William's castle, steals the crown jewels, escapes, sells the jewels, and lives a life of luxury for two years. Then he remembers he was going to kill William the Just to stop him becoming the Nemesis, and sheepishly breaks into the castle again. Fortunately, the Faith Healer and William's conversation has been going on for two years, so Kain is still able to overhear the last bit of it.  
  
William: Yes, these weapons you have provided will see to that. Pray tell, Moebius, what..?  
  
Faith Healer (Not Moebius OR the Oracle!!!): AHEM!!!  
  
William: Sorry, I mean the Ora...  
  
Faith Healer (see above bracketed comment): AHEM!!!!  
  
William: ...Faith Healer. What game do you play?  
  
Faith Healer (I can't be bothered): Chess, your majesty. But that's not important. Just remember - a Vampire is coming to kill you.  
  
William: Right. Big Bad Bloodsucker. BBB. Dontcha worry, my enormous mutant squirrel will do him in.  
  
Faith Healer (I don't have to write this story, ya know! I could be watching Family Guy right now!): And if not, your new weapon will certainly do the job!  
  
William: Yes, true. But Smokey will be more than adequate. Though come to think of it, I haven't seen him since the crown jewels were stolen...  
  
Kain looks smugly at the squirrel-skin shirt he is wearing under his armour.  
  
Faith Healer (Do you have any idea how hard it is to write "Not Moebius" in different ways each time?): I'm sure he's around.  
  
William: Yes. Well, I suppose I'd better wait in an undefended chamber with my worst guards for the Vampire to come and undoubtably lose to this wimpy little boy.  
  
Faith Healer (Especially when you lot already know that it IS Moebius! Why do I even bother?): I am sure your life is in good hands.  
  
William: And should I want to contact you again?  
  
Faith Healer (I really can't wait til I reveal that this is Moebius and I can stop writing these things): I shall know, and I shall be there...in time...  
  
William: You mean in a taxi?  
  
Faith Healer (I need a hug...): That too.  
  
William: Cheerio!  
  
William leaves. The Faith Healer (And I'm hungry too...) laughs evilly.  
  
Faith Healer (I'm going to have supper soon): Ha! This is so easy! Almost as easy as giving Malek the biggest screwjob he could get without paying at one of Nosgoth's many brothels!!! Kain shakes his head and walks away, right into William and his thugs.  
  
William: Ah, yes, the Vampire. Moe...the Ora...the Faith Healer told me you would come. You can't win. I have my guards!  
  
Kain: Yeah, well I have something you don't - the Soul Rea...!  
  
William holds up the Soul Reaver that is native to this time frame.  
  
Kain: ...oh.  
  
William: You're up Crap Creek without a paddle now!  
  
Kain: But I have something else that you don't!  
  
William: Oh yeah? Like what?  
  
Kain slams a boot into William's crotch.  
  
Kain: I have a pair of testicles that AREN'T screaming in agnoy!  
  
Kain kills Willam, and then kills the guards, except for one who hides in the corner. As you do. Kain walks on into the next room and finds another Time-Streaming Device.  
  
Kain: (VO) A Time-Streaming Device. Strange. When coincidence seems too convenient, I prefer to call it Ralph. But then, I always did have a fetish for giving human names to intangible ideas of humanity.  
  
Kain disappears into the future. The surviving guard couldn't help noticing this. The reason he couldn't help noticing this is because he was distracted by the time-travelling Vampire. No longer receiving help, noticing this died. It has never been explained who or what noticing this was, not why it needed help. The guard couldn't help noticing this. The reason that he couldn't was because noticing this was already dead.  
  
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????  
  
***Writer's note*** I apologise for the breakdown of sanity and logic in this chapter. The breakdown occured because I stopped my medication. Unfortunately, I stopped my medication too late. The reason that it was too late was because my medication had already killed noticing this. You see, my medication and noticing this were both in love with the guard...  
  
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????  
  
Meanwhile, Kain reappeared in the present and ran screaming out of the castle, before that bizzare bit of narration could catch up with him. As soon as he ran out, he was hit in the face by the smell of Vampire blood. (Metaphorically. You can't be actually hit in the face by a smell. Though with the way this fic is going...)  
  
Kain: (VO) With William dead, Mo...the O...the unidentified Faith Healer's plans have been thwarted, the Nemesis has been prevented, and the stock market crash...still happened, actually. Hey, I think that saving Nosgoth from the wrath of the Nemesis is pretty good, you ungrateful bastards!  
  
At this point, a bunch of humans run by, screaming things like "Death to all Vampires because of what that one did fifty years ago, killing poor William who never did any harm to anyone at all!".  
  
Kain: Why do I suddenly get the feeling that I've been had?  
  
Kain walks into a village square, where Vorador is secured in a guillotine, about to receive a nasty case of "Head-related Detrimental Disorder" (aka Decapitation, aka getting your head lopped off, aka keeerrr...CHOP!).  
  
Kain: Hmmm...I bet I get blamed for this...  
  
The blade slides down. As does Vorador's head. The Executioner holds up Vorador's head in triumph.  
  
Vorador's Head: I'll be back when you least suspect it...Blood Omen 2...  
  
Executioner: We are free of this unholy scourge until the next game!  
  
Faith Healer (Watermelons): Not yet, my child. Would you be free of a plague if only one city was cleansed?  
  
Crowd: NO!!!!  
  
Faith Healer (Bluuuurgh): Would you spare one wolf in a pack that has devestated your herd?  
  
Crowd: NO!!!  
  
Faith Healer: Would you give someone your last Rollo?  
  
Crowd: NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Faith Healer (Cor, lommicks!): Then let us destroy them all!  
  
Crowd: TESTIFY!!!  
  
Faith Healer (Buttocks): HE is the last! DESTROY HIM!!!  
  
The crowd turns on Bert the baker and brutally tear him apart.  
  
Faith Healer (I like cake!): Er...guys? I meant Kain. You know? The Vampire over there?  
  
Crowd: Oooops! Sorry Bert!  
  
Kain: (VO) Something occured to me in that moment. That sigil on his forehead. The Faith Healer and the Oracle were the same person. More than that. The Oracle, the Faith Healer, were in fact....  
  
MOEBIUS THE TIME GUARDIAN!!!!!!!  
  
"O Fortuna" from "Carmina Burana" starts playing dramatically as Moebius (Yes! He WAS the Oracle AND the Faith Healer! Shock!!! Horror!!!) laughs evilly. Men gasp in horror and grasp their swords. Women hide their faces in their hands and weep. Children cry and run to their mothers for comfort, but don't receive any because their mothers are all too busy hiding their faces in their hands and weeping. Shocking, isn't it? Who'd have thought that Moebius was the Oracle all along? There weren't any clues at all! Amazing...  
  
Moebius: BWA HAHAHAHA!!!! I am victorious! The Vampires are all dead! The Cricle collapses! All is mine! Nothing can possibly stop me now!!!  
  
Kain stabs Moebius through the chest.  
  
Moebius: Well...maybe that...  
  
Kain: Ironic. By going back in time and altering the past, you turned William the Just into the Nemesis.  
  
Moebius: How's that ironic?  
  
Kain: I'm the guy not dying, so I decide what's ironic and what isn't?  
  
Moebius: It doesn't matter. I have seen your destiny. The future says you die.  
  
Kain: Well then, I'll have to create a plan involving the Soul Reaver, my eldest child, and time travel to avoid that fate. Besides, Moebius...  
  
Moebius: What?  
  
Kain: I am dead...as are you...  
  
Kain swipes his sword into Moebius' neck. It cuts to the bone, then gets stuck.  
  
Moebius: YEEEEEEEAAARRRGGGHH!!!!  
  
Kain: Awww, crap....  
  
Kain tries to pull the sword out, but it is tightly lodged in.  
  
Moebius: NNNEEEEYYYYYUUUURRRGGGGHHH!!!!  
  
Kain puts one foot on Moebius' chest and heaves with all his strength. The sword flies loose...as do most of Moebius' visceral organs.  
  
Kain: Ewww, messy. Oh well, let's take heart! One more chapter, and this whole parody is more finished than...er...a very finished story!  
  
Kain puts his sword over one shoulder and walks off, whistling. A few moments pass. Kain, with a very embarrased look on his face, stalks back and picks up Moebius' Hourglass.  
  
Kain: It's been so long, I forgot about the whole "Restore the Pillars" thing...  
  
A few miles away, Ariel argues with her phone sales representative over her last phone bill. Id' give you the details, but it's not relevant to the story, or particularly interesting for that matter. 


	12. Part 12 The Ultimate Anticlimax!

So, we finally come to the last chapter of Blood Omen 1a.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, I hope you enjoyed it! See you next story!  
  
What? What are you complaining about..? I never did the last chapter? Yes I did, I just finished writing the damn thing! Look, I think I'd notice if there wasn't a chapter here! Now, if you'll look right above the bit where it says "Well, I hope you enjoyed it! See you next story!", you'll see...er...ah...right. Ermmm...OK.  
  
Now, let us begin the final chapter of Blood Omen 1a and forget all about the strange virus going around that makes people hallucinate into thinking that authors are forgetting to put chapters into their stories! *ahem*  
  
***Writer's note*** We apologise for the above sequence. Oh, we do apologise! Oh man, what was I THINKING?!?! I'm losing my touch here. I think it'd be best if we put it all behind us, don't you?  
  
**************************************************************************** ******  
  
Welcome to part 12 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!  
  
This chapter is different from the previous chapters, because it finishes the story. On the other hand, it is also the same as the previous chapters, because it makes very little sense. But I think you've already guessed that...  
  
**************************************************************************** ******  
  
Kain lands by the Pillars of Nosgoth safely, then throws away the Atomic Pogo Stick he'd been riding. A powerful piece of transportation, though it still has a couple of bugs to work out. Well, let's put it this way. Kain overshot the Pillars of the first bounce and...well, you know in Soul Reaver 1 when you find the ruined remains of Nupraptor's Retreat? Well, it wasn't time that wrecked the place!  
  
Anyway, Kain walks up to the Pillars.  
  
Kain: ARIEL!!!! I'VE GOT THE HOURGLASS!!! ARE YOU STILL ON THE MOBILE PHONE?!?! ARIE....  
  
Kain suddenly darts behind a Pillar, because he sees Raziel approach, looking for someone to complain about Block Puzzles to. Raziel passes the spot, but Kain continues to hide because Mortanius and Anarcrothe are arguing, oblivious to everything else (even Raziel's mutterings and Kain's yells, apparently).  
  
Anarcrothe: You betrayed us, Mortanius! You cheated in the game of Hide and Seek! You broke the Sacred Treaty of Tag! Also, you got Kain killed and turned him into a Vampire, set him out to kill us, blah blah.  
  
Mortanius: It had to be. There wouldn't be a video game without him. We tried for millenia to get a franchise going, but no one, not Silicon Knights, not Crystal Dynamics, not even THQ would touch us! The Circle had failed in its duties. It had to be destroyed.  
  
Anarcrothe: Failed our duties?!  
  
Mortanius: Yes, failed our duties!  
  
Anarcrothe: FAILED OUR DUTIES?!?!?!  
  
Mortanius: Is there an echo here?  
  
Anarcrothe: IDIOT!!! The Circle exists for us, we don't exist for it! Our powers will continue or cancel the Legacy of Kain series at our whim! Join us, Mortanius! Join us or die!  
  
Mortanius: "Us"? There's only one of you left!  
  
Anarcrothe: Ah, shut up!  
  
Mortanius: Then I shall die! I am far too noble to ever even consider...  
  
Anarcrothe: Noble? Ha!  
  
Mortanius: What?  
  
Anarcrothe: I've visited www.thelostworlds.net. I've heard the deleted footage. You did all this because Nupraptor and Ariel fell in love!  
  
Mortanius: That doesn't count. That line was deleted. It's not in the official storyline.  
  
Anarcrothe: Why were you so angry, Morty? Were you jealous? Were you in love with Ariel?  
  
Mortanius: Shut up!  
  
Anarcrothe: Well, with her half-skull and your full-skull, you'd have made the perfect couple! Ah, poor Ariel, languishing in some far off place...  
  
Ariel: DO YOU MIND?! I'M ON THE PHONE HERE!!!  
  
Anarcrothe: ...just over there, I'll bet...  
  
Mortanius runs over and kicks Anarcrothe in the nads before stabbing him through the chest.  
  
Anarcrothe: Ugh...you may have...defeated me...but one day...my son shall return...  
  
Mortanius: No he won't. See? There he is, nailed to that Pillar with his own shin bones.  
  
Anarcrothe: Dang...  
  
Anarcrothe dies. Kain steps out.  
  
Kain: It was you!!! It was you all along!!!!  
  
Mortanius: Yep. Sorry, Kain, nothing personal.  
  
Kain: Well, that's it! I'm gonna rip off your throat and crap down your neck! Don't try and escape your fate!  
  
Mortanius: Nay, I will embrace it!  
  
Kain: Wierdo.  
  
Mortanius: But my death will leave one more to take, princeling. Finish me!  
  
Kain: Man, there's always one more...  
  
Kain starts towards Mortanius, but the Necromancer throws some teeth around and, ripping off Jason and the Argonauts, summons up some undead skeletons.  
  
Mortanius: Children of the Necromancer's Teeth! Arise!  
  
Kain: I thought you were going to embrace death?  
  
Mortanius: Erm...in the last 7 seconds, I made a big discovery.  
  
Kain: Oh yes? What's that?  
  
Mortanius: I'm a coward.  
  
Kain blasts away all the skeletons with the Lightning spell.  
  
Mortanius: OK, this sucks...  
  
Kain stabs Mortanius. Instead of dying, Mortanius turns into a huge demon - Hash'Ak'Gik!  
  
Hash: BWA HAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Kain: Hmmm, that's odd. This doesn't normally happen when I kill people. Still, I was wondering if there was any point to that chamber in Avernus. Always assuming this is actually Hash'Ak'Gik. Excuse me, are you..?  
  
Hash: No personal questions.  
  
Kain: Er...alright...  
  
Hash: You thought yourself a king, when...  
  
Kain: No I didn't.  
  
Hash: Huh?  
  
Kain: I never thought I was a king. I'm a Vampire.  
  
Hash: Fine. You thought yourself a Vampire, when in fact you were a pawn. You...  
  
Kain: I'm not seafood!  
  
Hash: What?  
  
Kain: You called me a prawn!  
  
Hash: PAWN! I said PAWN! You know, like in chess!  
  
Kain: So I'm not a Vampire? I'm actually a small piece of shaped and painted wood?  
  
Hash: No...oh for...look. The name pawn comes from a term meaning "sucker", "someone who does someone else's dirty work", "someone who is manipulated into furthering another's goals, normally unknowingly"...  
  
Kain: I want to be a Rook! That name sounds evil!  
  
Hash: Look here...  
  
Kain: Although some people call them Castles, and that doesn't really suit me...  
  
Hash: Will you listen..?  
  
Kain: Maybe a Knight...nah, too slow.  
  
Hash: SHUT UP!!!!!  
  
Kain: Gee, sorry!  
  
Hash: The point is that you were my pawn. Indeed, you served me well.  
  
Kain: I serve no one! Especially not Gentle Ben's deformed cousin!  
  
Hash: Indeed, such narrow vision. Don't you see? My silencing of Ariel and its...  
  
Hash is interrupted by a mobile phone being thrown at his head.  
  
Hash: Don't be a sore loser, Ariel! Anyway, the repercussions of that act were but...  
  
Kain: WHY ARE ALL THE CIRCLE MEMBERS STILL DEAD?!?  
  
Hash: ...the first...NOW WHAT?!  
  
Kain: I travelled back in time and dramatically changed the future, yes?  
  
Hash: Well, our present, but yes? So what?  
  
Kain: What are the chances that all the Guardians killed in the original timeline would still be dead in the new version? I mean take Malek. He was killed by Vorador. Vorador in the new timeline was beaten down and killed by Moebius and a load of Vampire Hunters. Being hunted down like that, does it make sense that Vorador would also have visited Dark Eden and killed Malek?  
  
Hash: I don't care, Kain...  
  
Kain: Well you should! Interrupting the flow of time can have serious repercussions for us all!  
  
Hash: So, you want to have to go through all those Guardians again?  
  
Kain: Err...when you put it like that...play on, little Demon. Play on...  
  
Hash: That's my line.  
  
Kain: Er, sorry.  
  
Hash: *sigh* Play on, little Vampire. Play on...  
  
Kain: VAE VICTUS!!!!  
  
Hash: That's not pronounced right, is it?  
  
Kain: Shut up and fight!  
  
Hash: Ha! You have no chance! I have too much strength, too much endurance, too much power...  
  
Kain: But I have the Repel spell!  
  
Hash: Oh, right. Well, that's me screwed then.  
  
Kain kills Hash. Ariel appears and produces two large floating cards. One shows Nosgoth as a nice place, the other show it ruined.  
  
Kain: (VO) I am the last Pillar, the only survivor of the Circle of Nine. How or why I don't know, but the autocue says so, so I'll accept it. At my whim, the world will be healed or damned. At my whim...  
  
***  
  
The camera floats over the lush fields and crystal water of Nosgoth.  
  
Ariel: (VO) In life he was unknown, a petty noble. In death he was unknown. Yet by choosing oblivion, he restored...  
  
Ariel's mobile phone rings.  
  
Ariel: Hello?  
  
Kain: Just what do you think you're doing? I am NOT sacrificing myself for a bunch of stupid humans!  
  
Ariel: But you're the Balance Guardian!  
  
Kain: Bite me, you should have told me in the first place! Now cut to the proper ending please! Oh and Ariel...when I rule Nosgoth, the first thing I'm going to do is destroy the mobile phone network! BWA HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Ariel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and so forth)  
  
***  
  
The camera floats over the ruined remains of the Pillars of Nosgoth, brought down by a crashing satellite with the initials NMN (Nosgoth Mobile Network). Kain is sitting on a bean bag, with a note attatched saying "Throne will be delivered in 4-8 weeks".  
  
Kain: (VO) Once I embraced my powers I realised that Vorador was right. Once you've indulged in a fetish night, you never go back...er, I mean, we are gods - dark gods! And it is our duty to thin the herd. Heh heh heh...  
  
The Sarafan Lord suddenly appears.  
  
SL: Ha! I shall destroy you, Kain!  
  
Kain slaps the SL with the Soul Reaver, and the SL is sent flying over the horizon.  
  
SL: Wait til I get the Nexus Stone! I'll be back when you least suspect me - Blood Omen 2aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....  
  
Kain: Yeah, right. I confidently predict that we'll here no more from that guy ever again!  
  
Meanwhile, Irmok the Mad was hit on the head by a pumpkin. No reason, but I thought it would make a change from watermelons. 


	13. Gratitude and future projects

Hi there. Well, Blood Omen 1a is finished, and I wanted to take a quick moment to thank all the reviewers for their C&C...103 REVIEWS?!?! Hey, I got over 100! Yay!!!  
  
OK, firstly:  
  
Morning (aka Demon Hunter Anamae): My Legacy of Kain Muse! I want to thank you for helping me get over several cases of writer's block in this one - your combination of insanity, hunger for world domination, creativity, and ability to hide your sadistic tendancies under a facade of innocence are an inspiration! :)  
  
Syvia - Just checked my stats on ff.net - it turns out that you were the first person ever to review one of my Kain fics (Soul Reaver 1a Chapter 1 on 10th March 2002 - "Oh my God! *roflmao* That was great!")! And you're still here reading the LoKa series 9 and a half months later (longer than an average human pregnancy!!!)! Thanks very much! :)  
  
Angel-chan: Another long-time reader, and always concerned about my mental health! :) In answer to your question - no, I'm not on medication, which is probably why very little of this story makes sense! But thanks for asking! *hug*  
  
CyberSiC: Well you're the only reviewer I can actually thank in person, so perhaps I shouldn't give you a spot here. But then I couldn't say "I have writing skills"! Hee hee! :)  
  
Cat In A Hat and Flute: The inspiration of the ongoing Apology arc in later chapters. Who'd have thought that a rather crummy throwaway joke would lead to Mortanius being battered to death by a load of watermelons? Thank you both very much - I have no idea what I'd have put in the "irrelevant introduction to the chapter" bits otherwise!  
  
Temperance: Thanks, and I hope the Australian accents thing is all now in the past! (Before Kain changed it...)  
  
Raziella D Reaver: Thanks for the review! :)  
  
Concept of a Demon: Thanks, and watch out for the chainsaw there!  
  
Shady: Thanks - and I chose Toys'R'Us because they've shown the same TV advert in the UK since I was in Primary School (about 15 years ago!). That sort of thing traumatises a guy. It's called Toys'R'Us, Toys...AAAAAGH!!!!  
  
Jazzmaster: The fic didn't fall apart, unless you count the big gap in that last chapter. I wrote it as a joke, it didn't really work, but I couldn't think of any other joke to replace it with... :)  
  
Chalcedony Blue: Thank you, I thought the Kipper Armour was a great joke! But then I'm obsessed with watermelons, so...  
  
Wise Man Domingo: I found a reference to my fic on a website by you via Yahoo Web Search - thanks, I'm very flattered!  
  
Silveriss: Thanks! Kain doesn't seem to get much for a Vampire, does he? :)  
  
Light in Dark Places: Ta! I hope you can comfort Kain now I'm done tormenting him...for now...  
  
Metal Gear Prime: You're comparing my work to the Naked Gun? Awww....*blushes*  
  
Guardian of Tears: Ah yes, the Canned Laughter. Most popular joke I've written since revealing that Block Puzzles were linked to the Borg...  
  
Bloodthirsty: Thanks, always love to hear from you! Haven't talked to you recently, are you still around?  
  
Sarryn: Glad to be of service!  
  
Mink Biscuit: :)  
  
Elashana: It get my ideas from the voices in my head! What? Shhh, don't worry, no one will believe that you actually are in my head...er, I mean thanks! :)  
  
Venris: Music and wrestling - a winning combination (judging from the reviews!)  
  
SheSmaug: So you found it funny then? :)  
  
Kokono: Thanks! :)  
  
Ranmyaku: Well, two makes a series! Hope you liked it!  
  
AmuseMe: Now now, you don't need to bribe me - I write for the enjoyment of my fans! Wait...I've changed my mind, bribe me!!!  
  
NightShade Goddess: Glad you enjoyed it! :)  
  
*phew!* I feel like I just wrote another chapter! :)  
  
Where to go from here? Well, I intend to continue "The Name of the Dark Father" in the near future, so keep an eye open for that one! I also have some non-Kain projects I want to get to work on. Primarily the ongoing "Tey Chronicles" (1 1/2 years of work and I've still yet to actually begin the main story! It's going to become my Lord of the Rings at this rate...), plus the already started "Gladiatora Stygia - The New Origin War" and the half-planned "Feralshard". And the Legacy of Kain 'a' Series? Well, I will be continuing it at some point. There will definately be a Blood Omen 2a. I'm still undecided about a Soul Reaver 1a, though. SR1 didn't have all that much dialogue in it, so if I were to do it, it'd probably be more like a parody scrapbook of the boss fights and stuff rather than an entire parody. Tell you what, I'll leave it up to the LoK fandom. If enough people say they want it, I'll do one, then move on to BO2a. The choice, my friends, is up to you! :) 


End file.
